Friday, May 25, 2012

It's A Thankless Task, This Child-Rearing Thing

I am somewhat concerned about the #1 son. His dream is to attend college at MIT. The Massachusetts Institute of Technology. It's in Boston, you know. Right across that river from Harvard. My fear is that if #1 is accepted, he will set out for school and end up in California. Because that boy is a pure absentminded professor.

This morning, he took his own sweet time getting out of bed. I called to him several times. "I'm getting up!" I told him that I wanted the trash taken out before he left. It's his ONE chore. And The Pony even has to put in the new bag. "All right!"

The boys normally leave for summer school at 7:20. I had made The Pony's lunch, and also a sandwich for #1. He doesn't like some of the school lunch offerings. So it's a turkey and hot pepper cheese sandwich for the Absentminded Professor. He even wrote his name on the baggie with a Sharpie yesterday, because he was afraid a teacher might steal it out of the Elementia fridge.

The AP packed up his X-Box and some games and controllers to take to his grandma's house this evening. He laid out some earphones that he's sending back because they came apart. He shaved. He brushed his teeth. He wet his head for hair control purposes. He waffled over what shirt to wear with his plaid shorts. He told The Pony, "You might as well get comfortable, because we're not leaving until 7:30." Then at 7:40, he walked out the front door and called over his shoulder at The Pony, "We're going!"

I thought they'd never leave. On my way to the laundry room, I spied the AP's sandwich on the cutting block. I called The Pony. He's now the personal secretary for the AP. I told him the sandwich was still at the Mansion. I heard him relay the message to his boss. Some grumbling. Then, "He says to put it in the refrigerator. He'll eat what they have at school."

At 3:00, the phone rang. "Hey, are you upstairs? Did I leave my earphones that I was taking to UPS in my room? Because I can't find them in my truck anywhere."

"I just came downstairs five minutes ago. Do you want me to go look?"

"No. That's all right. Why are you so hateful?"

"Hateful? I offered to go look in your room."

"Never mind! I'm not coming all the way back home to get them."

"Then why did you call? What does it matter if they're there if you aren't coming home anyway?"

"Just forget it! I'm not wasting the gas."

"You scammed four dollars off of me yesterday in donut change. That will pay for a gallon to get you here and back."

"You are ridiculous!"

"Since I'm so ridiculous, I'll remind you that you left without taking out the trash. And you're welcome for the sandwich that I made you but you didn't take."

"I wish I'd never called you!"

Me too. Maybe we can work out a dual-enrollment deal with Stanford and MIT. A college on each coast. Just in case the Absentminded Professor loses his bearings.


Sioux said...

Me thinks he is lashing out because he knows that all too soon, he will too far away to enjoy the embrace of his mother.

So, make sure he gets the most of it while he still can. Tag along wherever he goes. Try to dress like you are a teenager, so you don't stick out like a sore thumb...or an old mum...Use their slang---nothing warms the heart of a teenager like a person in their 40's (?) slinging slang.

This will make his heart sing (or his head spin)...and make the transition to dormitory life much easier...

Hillbilly Mom said...

Funny you should mention the slinging of the slang. He forbade me to ever again use REDONKULOUS a couple years ago. So I save it for just the right occasions. Like when he barges into my classroom at lunch to raid his little brother's file cabinet drawer full of afterschool snacks.

And sometimes, if I can lure him over to my doorway during the hustle and bustle of class change, I lick my finger and act like I'm going after an imagined facial smudge with my mom-spit.

Just to remind him that his universe is still mom-centric.