Why Mars And Venus Can't Be Best Friends

Both boys are attending summer school right now. The #1 son drives The Pony to Newmentia, drops him off to gain his PE credit, and continues to Elementia, where he is earning hours towards an A+ scholarship by tutoring small fry. Or medium fry, perhaps, as he rejected his assignment to kindergarten level in exchange for smartifying fifth-graders.

That is neither here nor there, but explains how Mrs. Hillbilly Mom came to be watching three episodes in a row this morning of Friend Zone on MTV. I'd never seen it before. Like so many mindless reality shows, it lured me in. Wove its web of mystery around my tiny brain. It was a little more intellectually stimulating than yesterday's mini-marathon of Silent Library.

Friend Zone introduces you to a a pair of boy/girl best friends. One of them has romantic feelings towards the other, and enlists Bestie to assist Friend in planning a blind date. That includes how to dress and how to act. Then, as Bestie drops Friend off at the date location, Friend confesses the set-up and declares feelings for Bestie. Can you say AWKWARD?

An alien on Alpha Centauri could see that these unions are not gonna happen. From space, people! That's how obvious the lack of romance is in these relationships. Which is not to say you don't feel sorry for the sweet Boy Friends who want so badly to date their Besties. In fifteen minutes of each relationship, I could see that Bestie was all into the bad boy type. Not the sweet boy. That's why he's the friend. The not-gay (yet) confidante. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

The Girl Friends were giving their Besties what the dudes couldn't get out of their romantic relationships. Fun. Give-and-take conversations. A faithful ear for guitar practice in a metal band. You should have seen the horror on the faces of the Besties when the Girl Friends asked if they would accompany them on the "blind" date. They did not even have the decency to hug Girl Friend when she burst into tears. "See ya later." Exit Bestie.

Here are some of the reasons the Besties gave the Girl Friends:

"Wow. That's never gonna happen. I don't think of you that way. You're like a sister to me."

"I like how you take care of me. You're like my mom."

On the other hand, the Boy Friends were let down easier by their Besties:

"You deserve a girl who will love you for yourself."

"I don't want to hurt you or lead you on. We're just friends."

I think the guy Besties were kind of using the Girl Friends. Not exactly getting the milk for free without buying the cow, but getting a sweet, gentle companion with no strings attached. A harness, maybe. A companion who would plow their field or pull their wagon with no demands in return. Bestie can just turn them out into the pasture and forget about them when the mail-order bride arrives on the next stagecoach.

The girl Besties seemed to have a genuine platonic affection for their Boy Friends. They treated them like actual friends.

Every pair ceased being best friends after the reveal. Even though they all said how they didn't want this issue to change anything between them. Every pair. No longer best friends.

Or even friends.