Saturday, March 11, 2017

An Offer I CAN Refuse

They've done it again! Now a couple of quacks want me to SAY GOODBYE TO CELLULITE, WITH CELLFINA!

That's a bit presumptuous of them, don't you think? Perhaps I'm not ready to say goodbye. Perhaps Cellulite and I have had a good run. Perhaps we're co-dependent. Maybe Cellulite is my enabler, and I'm not ready to banish Cellulite from my life. How DARE those quacks try and tear our relationship asunder!

And just who is this Cellfina, anyway? Maybe Cellfina doesn't have my best interests in mind. Maybe Cellfina is all about what's good for Cellfina. And travels the world splitting up besties like Cellulite and me. Gets a cut of the action, maybe, from Dr. Quick and Dr. Quack. They're dentists, remember! Or that's what they were in the beginning, when our paths first crossed through the #1 Son's mouth.

Here's something disburbing. They say Cellfina "treats the primary structural cause of Cellulite -  the connective bands woven throughout fat in the buttocks and thighs." WHAT? Does that mean that my butt might fall off? Get away from me, Cellfina!

Furthermore, Drs. Quick and Quack say that "these tight bands pull down on the skin and create dimples. Once the bands are released, the treated skin bounces back to smooth itself out in as little as three days!" Funny how they included some disturbing pictures of people after treatment, and those pictures are labeled with various time lapses, the last one on each set being 3 YEARS! Huh. Three days my a$$. Which may or may not drop off. I call shenanigans!

Oh, you don't want to open up that email. I sure wish I hadn't. Because you can't really tell what body part you're looking at. The most uncringeworthy appendage I can think of is a buttock. Who lets Dr. Quick or Dr. Quack take a BUTT picture to email all around? Or maybe...the butts don't know! Maybe Drs. Quick and Quack slipped the butts a mickey!

They even have a Top Five List. The top five reasons to let Cellfina into your life:

1. No Downtime!
2. No Operating Room!
3. Its Permanent Fat-Removal (and permanent misuse of the missing apostrophe)
4. Targets: Double Chin, Arms, Stomach, Flanks, Back (From your bra), Inner and Outer Thighs!
5. Watch Netflix or take a nap during treatment.

Huh. I hope nobody wakes up with their shirt untucked. You know, because of a ne'er-do-well like that other dentist, Tim Whatley. And if you don't wear a bra, are they not gonna know where your back is?

But here's the best part, apparently:
1-Hour long treatments are now 35-minutes with the same great results!

Heh, heh. I'll bet they are! For the same price, too, I'd wager.

And THEN, Dr. Quick and Dr. Quack thank me for being a loyal patient of their practice. And remind me that they've been "Serving the Bay Area for over 40 years with the highest quality of care."

Huh. I've never been to California. I guess they just have me confused with someone else. My butt is safe. It's not going to fall off. I won't wake up with my shirt untucked.

Never mind.


Sioux Roslawski said...

HM--Is # 5 real, or was that your embellishment?

Are people so desperate for premium TV-watching that they'll get a cosmetic procedure done so they can watch 35 minutes of something?

No thank you. I'll keep my cottage cheese-looking butt.

Hillbilly Mom said...

It was real. But not spectacular. I couldn't think up something like that.

Kathy's Klothesline said...

Cellulite is just my body braille .... it says I am sexy!

Hillbilly Mom said...

I'll take your word for it!