Saturday, January 26, 2013

Special Bulletin Regarding Citizens Of Hillmomba

Notice To Citizens Of Hillmomba:

In light of recent events that have occurred in neighboring regions, The Emperor of Hillmomba hereby decrees that any citizen unlawfully entering the home of another is subject to the whim of the home-dweller. These consequences may run the gamut from...

* an invitation to high tea

* a hot towel for the face

* the offer of a warm bubblebath while prayers for your immortal soul are said by candlelight

* a stern talking-to

* a command to begone, with the added incentive of a TV remote control chucked at your noggin

* a sound thrashing

* a warning shot with the advice to depart forthwith

* death by stabbing with the knife you were wielding upon entry after kicking in the door

If you find some of these offers less than appealing, DON'T UNLAWFULLY ENTER THE HOME OF ANOTHER CITIZEN OF HILLMOMBA. Simple as that. No excuses. Unlawful home entry is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get. Due process is not necessarily an option.

Home-dwellers in Hillmomba will not be played for fools. They are not about to wake up dead because you had an unfortunate childhood. Life is all about choices, actions, and consequences. Some folks learn the hard way, and some folks never learn. Chances are that when you kick in the door and charge into the domicile with your knife at midnight, you are NOT planning to...

* ask to join in a game of Yahtzee

* inquire as to whether the occupant has any Grey Poupon

* recruit volunteers to help you find your lost kitten

* invite the residents to a block party

* see if a Seinfeld rerun is on one of the satellite channels

* offer a copy of The Watchtower for a small donation

* borrow a cup of sugar to bake a batch of Snickerdoodles

* deliver a balloon bouquet and an oversize check from Publisher's Clearing House

Citizens of Hillmomba, I call on you to mind your Ps and Qs. Neither a home-invader nor a cold corpse be. The days of I'm okay-you're okay, everyone's a winner, if it feels good do it, rights of the few outweigh the rights of the many are OVER. If you have a problem with substance abuse, anger issues, housing, heat, hunger, illness, depression, or even common orneriness, there is a program to help you somewhere, at no cost. Take advantage of it, and let the rest of our citizens live in peace.

2 comments:

Sioux said...

And just when I was planning to hunt you down and drop off a crate of calls for submissions.

I guess I will refrain.

Hillbilly Mom said...

Sioux,
Serious lapses in judgment can be detrimental to your health.

Knocking politely, waiting to be peered at through the peephole or side windows, and stepping back when the door is opened is considered proper visitor etiquette in Hillmomba.

Kicking in the door and charging through, while wielding a skinnin' knife, however, is not. Makes no nevermind if you happen to have a crate of submissions under your non-knife armpit. The die is cast, the hook is set, the trap is tripped. Not even Gummi Mary can help you now.