Wednesday, August 21, 2013

I Like Old Movies, Don't You?

Pardon my indelicacy, but I fear this subject must be broached. Something is rotten in Newmentia.

I know that the restroom is a place where people do things that might be considered by some to be...um...how you say...aromatic. Yes. That's what the room is for. But not 24/7. Somebody's got a problem. Or a lot of somebodies.

Since the day school started, and by that, I mean, started for teachers last Monday...the faculty women's restroom has had an odor every single time I walked in. Has our faculty been infested with the bagged lettuce bug? Is somebody really, really nervous about work this year? Or is it just that confounded Common Core that has their bowels in an uproar?

Oh, whoever it is tries to be considerate. Or tries to disguise her business in that place, lest the person(s) waiting in line against the wall to be next borrow that old Kentucky Fried Movie line and shout, "Christ! Did a cow sh*t in here?" Yes, she who dealt the smell always sprays Febreze. Which used to work like a charm. I brought that Febreze in last year. Perhaps it's losing its effectiveness. Or petering out. I believe that scent is Sweet Citrus and Zest. Only now it's not sweet. And it's lost its zest. That refresher is simply a shell of its former self. A green metal bottle husk, bereft of compressed aroma.

So I bought some more at The Devil's Playground last week. A vibrant orange can.

I thought I was bringing in Falling Leaves and Spice. But instead, I inadvertently grabbed Hawaiian Aloha. Not to be confused with New Jersey Aloha, heh, heh. See what I did there? I made fun of Febreze's scent-naming geniuses, because isn't it a bit redundant to call something a Hawaiian aloha? And what state could be the antithesis of Hawaii, except New Jersey. Sorry, you devils out east.

Imagine my surprise when I gave it a whirl after school, and thought, "Since when does fall smell like coconuts?" Actually, according to the mixture I got attempting to make the after-school faculty women's restroom bearable, Hawaiian Alohas smell like somebody crapped in a coconut shell on the beach.

So much for my good deed. A commercial family would never fall for that Febreze blindfold trick. They would not be sniffing golden meadows and cupcake parties. They would be hollering, "Christ! Did a cow sh*t in here?"

3 comments:

Sioux said...

If you're waiting outside the staff bathroom at our school, and one particular faculty member exits, saying, "You don't want to go in there right now," don't. Don't go in there, unless you are wearing a hazmat suit.

And it seems EVERY time this particular person goes into the bathroom, it's an event.

Kathy's Klothesline said...

Bathroom odors are my specialty. It came to my attention early in this adventure of owning and operating a campground that some people do not flush toilet tissue. Instead, leaving it in the trash can loacated next to the toilet ..... to ferment overnight and greet me in the morning when I clean the bathrooms. Even after removing the vile contents of the trash can, the odor lingers. I have tried everything, even putting those toilet bowl cakes in the bottom of the can, under the liner. Should an artistic camper leave their signature on the wall, using feces as a medium ..... DO NOT USE BLEACH! It will enhance the odor. Pinesol works, but then you will associate that smell with cleaning up sh*t.

Hillbilly Mom said...

Sioux,
Good thing you don't have to let people in when you're a captive audience with your noggin wedged between sink and faucet.

*****
Kathy,
Thank the Gummi Mary, my peers have not yet stooped to pooping in the trash can, nor decorating the wall with masterfeces.

Who knew bleach could be so fickle?