Tuesday, August 12, 2014

What Kind Of Animal Do You Think I Am?



That’s a rhetorical question. Don’t be shouting, SNAKE…ELEPHANT…HONEY BADGER...at the computer screen. 

Oh, dear. I went by my mom’s house to kill a couple hours before Open House. Of course she had gone all out to feed me within an inch of my life. She had dropped in at her local grocery store deli, and quizzed the teenage counter worker about his pork steaks. She asked him which would be more tender, the one with BBQ sauce, or the plain one. He said plain, like he knew the difference, probably just trying to get rid of a tasteless unseasoned pork steak. Thank the Gummi Mary, Mom chose the BBQ one.

But that’s not all! She also bought two fried chicken breasts. Because, obviously, Mrs. Hillbilly Mom is a big protein eater. 

Just to make her happy, mind you, I decided on half the BBQ pork steak, and one chicken breast. Oh, and I let her throw in a dollar roll. Which is a potato roll. Which neither is a good name for a hunk of bread. I didn’t even make her warm the dollar potato roll. Nope. I ate it right out of the fridge. That’s where everybody keeps their dollar potato rolls, right?

Before herding The Pony into T-Hoe to harvest syllabi at Open House, I told Mom I was going upstairs to use her bathroom. 

“Oh. The drain has been stopped up in that one. I put some of that, whatever you call it, stuff to dissolve a clog in it.”

“The TOILET is stopped up? Thanks for telling me before I climbed two flights of stairs.” 

“No. The bathtub.”

“Um. I don’t go to the bathroom in the tub.” 

“I know that. I was just telling you. In case you thought I forgot to let the water out of the tub.”

Sometimes, it seems a miracle that Mrs. Hillbilly Mom turned out so near to normal.

3 comments:

Sioux said...

Is your maternal grandmother or great-grandmother Gracie Allen?

Your mother is too funny. I think your mom should have her own blog. Of course, you will have to serve as her scribe, since she is way too busy spouting off her fascinating tidbits to have the time to jot them down.

Kathy's Klothesline said...

So, did you go up and check on the water in the tub?

Hillbilly Mom said...

Sioux,
No. Nor did my grandpa wear dark-rimmed round glasses and puff a big cigar.

Her own blog? Do you know how long it would take to type up a post, what with her asides about how she meant to take peppermints to the doctor's nurse, but forgot, so let her dig her hand in the baggie of "church candy" and then found out a medical student dipped her hand into the pocket and took some, and how the doctor asked for candy and was SO happy to get the leftover church stash, and then...

Yeah. I told her that when she has her next appointment in six weeks, the whole office staff will have insulin pumps.

*****
Kathy,
Of course. The family room bathroom makes me claustrophobic, so I went to the one in Mom's bedroom, and tried to avert my eyes from the tub.

Farmer H told Mom to plunge that bathtub drain, but Mom said she thinks her plunger is not working, and besides, she can't stand in the tub to plunge it because there's water in there.

So I said, "Do you stand in your toilet to plunge IT?" Mom said that she never plunges her toilet, The Pony rolled his eyes, and I said, "THAT'S why it empties so slow."