Mrs. Hillbilly Mom's Skills Of Discerning Leg Pee From Rain Have Been Greatly Underestimated

Remember when the #1 son was home for Christmas break, and left Mrs. Hillbilly Mom throttled?

How he pointed the finger at poor Pony, and declared that The Pony had been gaming on Mrs. Hillbilly Mom's dime. Or, more specifically, on Mrs. HM's DISH Network internet connection? Yeah. The Pony admitted that he was on there one day, because he forgot to switch back to his own unlimited account through his phone, after #1 had switched him over when it wasn't working. But he declared that it should not have been enough usage for Mrs. HM to be throttled by DISH.

As you know, Mrs. HM is a bit of a simpleton where electronic gewgaws are concerned. She had her doubts, but took #1's word for it. And now, as coincidence would have it, after #1 was home for SIX DAYS, Mrs. HM finds herself throttled once again! What are the odds?

I'd been having internet trouble on Saturday afternoon. I supposed it was the atmosphere. I called to The Pony to see if the TV was messed up. Satellites of a feather malfunction together. "No, Mom, but I've been having trouble with my internet, too." So I supposed that it was, indeed, the atmosphere. We do have a separate DISH for internet. Perhaps it was oriented in another direction than the TV DISH. Or maybe there was a solar flare. Something to disrupt the phone satellites or towers or whatever those waves travel through. So I took a break for about an hour. Then my internet came back. But it was slow.

Today, too, my internet was slow. I knew the skies were basically clear. I had, after all, made a trip to The Devil's Playground. The sky had that funny tint, where it's not bright sun, but the glare is terrible. The kind of tint where you put on your sunglasses to cut the glare, but then it's too dark to see properly. So again, I assumed it was the atmosphere.

Then, on a whim, I typed in that code that takes me to a screen that shows me my DISH internet usage. I usually consume only 10-15 percent of what's allotted during a normal month. Summer, now, that's a different story. But still, I rarely use even half. It's not like I stream movies or download music. So imagine my surprise when that screen came up and showed that I WAS THROTTLED!

I got on the phone to #1 forthwith.

"Hey! How come my internet is throttled?"

"I don't know. I guess you used too much."

"I never use too much. The last time was when you were here for Christmas, and blamed The Pony and his games."

"Well, he was playing games on your internet."

"Not this time. You know it was you. Why don't you just admit it? Why did you use my internet when you know I told you not to? I pay for you to have unlimited through your phone. That's why we had to get Sprint phones, if you remember, and I'm sure you do, since you picked them out. Because they were the only company with unlimited. So why do you always want to be on MY internet?"

"It's so much easier. I can still use my phone while I'm on the internet. I checked your usage the day I got home. You'd used half. That's an incredible amount for you."

"So you just decided to use the rest of it?"

"Oh, calm down. It resets tonight."

"Yeah. In 8 hours and 19 minutes. But I'm on the internet right now. Or trying to be. But I'm throttled."

"You'll get it back tonight."

"The next time you come home, I'm going to stop you from throttling me. I'm sure there's some kind of...um...plug-in thing...that I can take out of the wall...and...um...take to work with me so you can't be using my internet!"

"Haha! There is no such thing! You can't stop me."

I am not pleased with is insouciance. Safeguards shall be put in place for the next home visit. I think a hit in the pocketbook will be most effective. I shall frame a notice to hang on the door of his room, like in a hotel, that declares any throttlage during his visit, or after his departure, will result in a fine of $100 from his monthly stipend. Yeah. He was skating on thin ice, and he crashed through. He was counting on the usage not to show up until after the usage period reset. Let's hope he's better at that with his bank account and his gas tank.

If this happens again, the throttler shall become the throttled.