Sunday, May 31, 2015

The Grinch Chef Consults The Short-Temper Cook

Hey! Have you heard? The Devil not only is the proprietor of Devil's Playgrounds across the country...he finds work for idle hands!

Indeed. The #1 son has been working this week at his summer internship. That's from 8:00 to 4:30. Then he has nothing to do. His roommate has been gone all week. The weather is not pool-friendly. He has no cable TV. So...THE #1 SON HAS TAKEN UP COOKING!

That's right. He called me last night.

"Do you know how expensive MEAT is?"

"Yes. I am familiar with the price of meat."

 "I'm cooking so I don't have to spend money on fast food. I'm making potato soup. I might as well become a vegetarian. I had to do my shopping at ALDI's!"

 "As a matter of fact, I am having a vegetarian meal right now. Just a minute." I took that minute to munch on the Save A Lot brand tortilla chip I had just dipped in Save A Lot salsa, Save A Lot sour cream, Save A Lot sliced black olives, and Devil's Playground shredded mozzarella (because I was too lazy to shred a block of sharp cheddar). "Okay. I was eating. You always call and interrupt me right after I've started eating."

"It is SEVEN O'CLOCK!"

"Let me remind you that YOU are just now COOKING your supper."

"I don't have anything else to do."

"Listen to this. There's this blog buddy of mine called The Cranky Old Man. He posted his Cranky Opinion Saturday, and it was about Clay Walker--"

 "Stop! Your story is already boring. Not listening. La la la la--"

"Have you heard of Clay Walker? Live Until I Die? Rumor Has It? If I Could Make a Livin' Out of Lovin' You? "

"Yes! I know who Clay Walker is. I'm not stupid."

"So anyway, Clay Walker was complaining about old rocker guys like Steven Tyler switching to country music--"

"WHO is Steven Tyler?"

"Aerosmith! Dude Looks Like a Lady! Lead singer of Aerosmith! I can't believe you don't know who Steven Tyler is!"

"I KNOW who Aerosmith is!"

"So anyway, listen to this comment I gave him--"

"No. Hanging up. Not listening--"

"YES YOU ARE! Here's what I said...[blah blah blah]...wasn't that kind of clever?"

"What I was trying to tell you, when you first said he had a Cranky Opinion, was that EVERYTHING you say is cranky!"

"I didn't get the name Short-Temper Cook for nothing, did I?"

"Yeah. Well. I've got to go now. I've listened to you enough. And during that opinion, I was trying to open a pack of bacon and take it out with one hand. It's time to add the bacon to my potato soup."

"BACON? I thought you were going to be a vegetarian! BACON? What are you now, a Rockefeller or a Carnegie or a Vanderbilt?"

"Oh, hush up. It was less than that pack of six chicken breasts for eight dollars. You put that extra money in my account. I wish you wouldn't have."

"I didn't put it in there for you to waste on FOOD! It's for emergencies. Like if you need gas. Not for BACON! You could probably get just as much flavor out of Beggin' Strips. Just sayin'."

"Yeah. That's not happening. I drive five miles to work. I have gas."

"You have to get to Boys State and back in two weeks and you might not have been paid yet. So I wanted you to have money just in case."

"Well. I'm eating now. Gotta go. Bye."

Can you believe the nerve of that young whippersnapper? Spending my hard-earned cash on FOOD? I'm starting to feel a little bit cranky.

4 comments:

Sioux said...

And on bacon! I can only afford bacon once in a blue moon.

The Pony's livin' high on the hog.

Hillbilly Mom said...

Sioux,
Well, The Pony IS certainly residing high on the Hillmomba hog, what with being safely ensconced in the Mansion basement, enjoying a life that could only be made easier if Mrs. Hillbilly Mom regurgitated his preferred foodstuffs into his mouth like a momma bird filling the beak of her hatchlings.

Congratulations, Madam. You have taken marginalization to a whole new level by pointedly ignoring the #1 son, who was, after all, the main subject of this post. I can only hope that he reads it, and realizes his place in the universe. ;)

Sioux said...

Oh crud! (That's the cleaned-up version.)

Alas, when I paid the fee (and it was quite hefty, I must say), I was willing to shell out for several of the add-ons. I paid extra for

* the chance to drive-by the post office
* being dropped off in front of Em-Bee for a photo opp
* getting an introduction to the glassed-in gas station chicken
* the chance to view The Pony (with a thick wall of plexiglass between us)

I could not afford any of the #1 son options--such as getting to use one of his computers (for 3-5 minutes) or getting to view his photographic equipment... which I guess is why I focus on The Pony and not #1.

My apologies...

Hillbilly Mom said...

Sioux,
Yes, the #1 son options come with steep fees.

As long as you are satisfied with your cinnamon babka of tours, I will pursue this issue no further. Everyone misspeaks every now and then. Like saying Sven Jolly instead of Svengali.