Thursday, October 3, 2019

Mrs. HM Can Spot A Phony An Arm's Length Away

Last Friday, my sister the ex-mayor's wife took me along on her quest to reap the benefits of free casino swag. She's only used her player's card once or twice at these two casinos, and she's a low-roller. Like 30-cent bets low. Yet she gets the same offers as the high-rolling ex-mayor, who will wager 1-2 dollars per spin, just like me. I don't go to these two casinos, but I got a player's card while I was there.

Anyhoo...this tale isn't about casinos, but about the stop we made on the way home. Sis had informed me the previous Friday, that she'd like me to come along again, but she'd be making a stop at a grocery store on the way home. I said I would bring a book and wait in the car, but since the temps were in the 90s that day, I grabbed a cart/walker and headed inside with them.

Sis's mission was to get soft taco shells that can be fried in oil. They're in the refrigerator case. Or freezer, maybe. This store is the only place she knows that has them. She wanted them to take on an upcoming camping trip. I said I'd check out the deli department, for meals I didn't have to prepare for myself, with Farmer H having three two more days left on his trip.

Now let's get the details. Names are being changed because they can. The town we stopped in has the same name as the neighbor pig on Green Acres. The store was part of a chain in the city that we'll call Deerburg's.

I was quite pleased with the deli selection! I got a turkey-and-gouda sandwich on pretzel bread with honey mustard. Also some fried chicken, a beef burrito, and a Caesar chicken salad. They all turned out to be delicious, except for the beef burrito, which was more of a rice/black bean/red pepper/green pepper/corn burrito. Not a fan.

Anyhoo...Sis found her taco shells. She got a single pack of 8 or 10. It cost 99 cents. Seriously. She made the stop just for this! I would have at least stocked up on several packs to freeze for later. When we got to the front of the store, Sis said, "Which checkout do you want?"

I didn't particularly care. So I took the first open one we came to. There was only one lady at mine, and she already had paid, and was picking up her bagged groceries off the end of the counter, talking to the gal bagger and the checker. Sis went on to the next one, where a lady was having her groceries rung up. I was sure I'd be done first, and have to wait for Sis. I only had a few items, and Sis had tossed in some more camping food, like chips and stuff. Plus two individual Caramel Apple Pies that Ex-Mayor had added when she wasn't looking. I took one myself, and it, too, was delicious.

Anyhoo...the customer in my checkout must have been a personal shopper for someone. The Old Gal Checker, and the Young Gal Bagger, were telling her how great and selfless she was. Though I'm pretty sure she was getting paid to do it, from what I overheard. Sweet Gummi Mary! They went ON and ON and ON! Sis and Ex-Mayor were done and waiting for me before Old Gal Checker even acknowledged that I was there.

As you might imagine, that did not put me in a good mood, after spending four hours walking around casinos, then making a circuit of the store, and now having to stand idle on my screaming knees while they fawned over the Personal Shopper. Maybe she was a regular, and I was just an interloper off the interstate. But still, there's a time for a regular reunion, and a time for doing your salaried job.

Old Gal Checker baffled me when she slid one of my deli items across the scanner, and said, "Huh. I don't know why that won't show the weight." Huh. I don't know. Maybe because the PRICE was printed right on the label? Young Gal Bagger tried to be friendly. I'll give her credit on her permanent record for that. But I was having none of it.

"So, do you have big plans for the weekend?"

"No. Staying home."

Sweet Gummi Mary! Was it any of her business HOW I SPENT MY WEEKEND? Not-Heaven NO! As I later told Sis, I should have said, "YES! My husband is out of town and the mailman is coming over!" But we all know that's not true. The mailman would never be able to find my Mansion.

Anyhoo...as Old Gal Checker was shoving my last item down the counter, she gasped! She clutched her throat. Then she stage-whispered to Young Gal Bagger,

"I don't believe it! There's ANDY! I can't believe he's in our store! He's second only to Bob Deerburg!"

She said this like it was a big deal, and that Young Gal Bagger had better mind her Ps and Qs. If I'd known which one was Andy, I might have hobbled over to relate my shopping experience to him.

4 comments:

Kathy's Klothesline said...

I am guilty of the same thing at times when one of my favorite old kampers pay a visit. I always apologize to the people who are waiting to give me money to stay at my park for making them wait. Well, maybe not always. Sometimes people just piss me off and I let my inner self have it's way!!

River said...

I used to find it annoying when a finished customer kept right on talking to me, but I'd start serving the next in line anyway and sometimes we'd get a three-way conversation going, but mostly the finished customer would take the hint and move on.

Sioux Roslawski said...

The first name that came to me was Festus, but I knew that wasn't it. That was Gunsmoke. Festus might have smelled like a pig (or what we erroneously think a pig might smell like) but he wasn't on Green Acres.

I admit: I had to Google it. My memory is sketchy sometimes. (The grocery store chain was a bit easier to figure out. ;)

I agree with you. If your sister was so driven to get one item, get several. I have several packages of those in my freezer. They thaw out nicely. But from what you've written, I have several questions about Sis.

Deerburg's is too rich for my blood. Aldi's is my go-to. But then, my husband was never a mayor...

Hillbilly Mom said...

Kathy,
My main issue was not being acknowledged, yet my money was as good as the personal shopper's. I don't know why they treated her like she was Mother Teresa, just for putting food in a cart. It's not like she was paying her own money, and handing it out on the street!

***
River,
Some people don't pick up what you're layin' down!

***
Sioux,
How could you forget Arnold Ziffel? Save A Lot is my standard. I buy all my meat there. Back in the early days of her marriage, Sis used to ask Mom to pick up things for her at the Dollar Store. Stuff for her kindergarten class. She didn't want to be seen shopping in there!