You know how in the opening credits of The Shining, you wind along those twisty mountain roads, with no guardrails to save you, toward the Overlook Hotel, with that ominous music playing?
Well, today you're going to wind through my convoluted story, no yard sales to save you, toward the overlooked brain cell that had been keeping Farmer H's poop off the toilet seat, with your own screams playing the only tune in your head.
Now is the time to bail out if you're not strong enough for the journey...
Farmer H had been on fairly good behavior since he threw a fit a few weeks ago, and I stopped doing any of the myriad of underappreciated jobs that make his life more cushy. No picking up after him, no shopping, no cooking, no cleaning his dried poop off the toilet seat. It only took him a week to see the error of his ways. I think he saw the light when I asked how that laundry tantrum 30 years ago had worked out for him. HM don't play.
Anyhoo...Farmer H started doing more things for himself, trying to get back in my good graces. Until Friday morning, he had either gone without pooping for a month, or had been cleaning up his own mess. You can bet that I brought up the issue during his pre-auction meal.
"I'm pretty sure you're not constipated, because the evidence is on the toilet seat. I am NOT cleaning it off."
"There you go. You must have run out of other things to complain about, because now you're on me again."
"Don't EVEN sit there and act like I'M the one who's unreasonable. Normal people don't leave their poop on a toilet seat! Why should I be the one to clean it up? It's YOUR poop! Even animals don't sit in their own poop. Cleaning it up is a basic human behavior."
"Huh. When I go in there, I guess I'll look at it."
"I don't know how you can miss it! Here's an idea. Since you're always twisting around and popping that one screw thingy loose, why don't you just pop the whole toilet seat off and take it in the shower with you? You know, since you say you just get in the shower to wash your butt after you poop. That way, you can wash your butt AND the toilet seat. Problem solved."
"I don't know where you get these crazy ideas."
"Uh, I am NOT the one who's crazy. I'm not cleaning that seat. I'll sit in it over and over again. I'm NOT cleaning it. It's probably half gone already, because I've sat on it so many times today. But YOU'LL be sitting on it, too! Sitting on your own poop. Because I am NOT cleaning it! I need to go right now, but I'll just hold it until I get back downstairs."
Sometimes, you've gotta go a little crazy to make a point. The toilet seat was clean the next time I went in there.
5 comments:
I'd go a step further and refuse to sit in it at all, ever again. He can have all the delight of poop transference to himself. I realise that means a longer trip for you in the dead of night if you need to go, but their are solutions to that also. One being no liquids after a certain time which is several hours before you go to bed. So if you go to bed at 1am, cut off your drinking at about 9pm. Ah, the sacrifices we make, just to get the upper hand.
It's a March miracle. If other PITAs hear what Farmer H did, they will demand he join a 12-step support group.
When he shares at the meeting, he'll have to begin with, "Hi, I'm Farmer H and I'm a helpaholic. It's been ___ days since I last did something my wife asked me to do."
Those men will cure him of that. After a few meetings, he'll never clean up a poopy toilet seat again.
River,
I can make it across the house to the boys' bathroom, where all that paranormal activity occurs, but tromping up and down the 13 steps to the NASCAR bathroom is out of the question!
I don't go to bed until around 3:00 or 4:00 a.m. My 44 oz Diet Coke lasts until about 11:00. Such a choice: giving up my magical elixir, or sitting in poop. That is not a decision anyone should have to make!
***
Sioux,
They might forego the support group, and tar-and-feather him! Farmer H did not seem at all pleased that my vision is good enough to catch him in his slovenliness. I'll have to keep the stinkeye on him!
That would be a deal breaker for me! I would ban HeWho to the public toilets outside and the toilet would belong only to me!!!
Kathy,
No public toilets here, but we DO have an outhouse. TWO! One is down in the woods by the cabin. Hope those little Cabin-Trashers haven't tipped it over!
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