Monday, August 20, 2012

I Suppose He Thinks Of It As Hiding In Plain Sight

The #1 son and Farmer H are off to eat a free dinner courtesy of The American Legion. It is a dinner honoring the young men they sponsored at Missouri Boys State this summer. #1 was dressed to the nines, khaki slacks, black shirt, black shoes, black belt, white tie. He even asked if he looked better with or without his glasses. He will be giving a short speech about his experience.

Farmer H also dolled up for the event. He rushed home to shower and change out of his greasy work uniform. He is not one for lengthy showers. So I began to wonder why it was taking so long. When he emerged from the master bathroom, I understood.

Let's back up for a minute. Fire up the way-back machine. Set it for last Tuesday, the day I had to work until 8:00 p.m. due to open house. The day that Farmer H had some surgery on his nose. Yes. It was some skin off his nose. But don't y'all worry none about Farmer H. His wound was closed with some skin from behind his ear. He returns to his doctor on Wednesday to remove a dime-sized bandage that has been stitched to the side of his nose, right by his tear duct area. Now climb into the way-forward machine, set for the present time.

Farmer H walked into the kitchen and proclaimed that he was doing this as a favor, really, for those total strangers who might be sitting across from him at the dinner, feasting their eyes upon his countenance. He had covered his entire left eye with a gauze pad, taped across it with clear medical tape, and covered it with a pair of plastic safety glasses, the kind which my students wear in the lab. Which, to me, kind of screams, "LOOK AT ME! MY EYE IS FALLING OUT!"

Okay. I don't mean to make fun of Farmer H for this get-up. It just seems absurd. As long as he is comfortable, that's all right by me. See how magnanimous I can be? He said that the little brown dime-sized bandage stitched to his eye-corner looked nasty. Yes. There was a tiny bit of dried blood on it that he was not allowed to clean. It's sewn to his side-nose, for cryin' out loud! But in my opinion it was barely noticeable. While this bandage is blinding (heh, heh, see what I did there?) white, and very noticeable. I don't want #1 upstaged by a dad getting too much sympathy for his eye fake-falling-out.

Oh, and it's not like that reverse pirate patch is going to interfere with Farmer H's vision. He can't see out of that peeper anyway, due to an adolescent fireworks faux pas.

I hope nobody starts a collection to buy him an eye to replace the one that looks like it rolled out of its socket.


Sioux said...

I broke my nose in a car accident when I was just shy of 16. I wore a silver-colored nose splint (it made me look like I could have starred in "Cat Ballou") even though it was completely necessary. (The car was a total wreck, but I wanted some "badge of courage" to serve as proof of the ordeal I endured.)

Perhaps Hick could get a plastic eyeball and affix it so it looks like it's dangling from the socket. THAT would liven things up...

Hillbilly Mom said...

Wow! A silver shoe-horn on your nose? If you could grab a third walking wounded buddy, you and Farmer H could be all fife and drum and flag famous!

I love the plastic eyeball idea. He could say, "Eyeball? Did it slip out again?"

Kathy's Klothesline said...

Thanks a lot. Now I have to go shower and change clothes. I laughed too hard and wet myself. Okay, it is mostly Sioux's fault with the plastic eyeball idea.

Hillbilly Mom said...

That darn Sioux! How can I possibly compete with plastic eyeballs? I'm gonna hafta bring out the AUCTION MEAT.