Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Gains And Losses During Snoozitude

I think I have been lapsing in and out of consciousness.

One minute I'm typing away, the next my head bobs backward with a crunchy neck sound, and I see gibberish on the monitor. I'm sure it's some wacky conspiracy designed to discredit my writing skills. It couldn't be my five hours of sleep each night.

At least I'm not like my mom. She reports that she sits down at her computer desk every night at ten, and fiddles about while watching the news. Then she finds herself face down on her forearms at 2:00 a.m. That's just weird. Everybody KNOWS that your head should bob backwards, not forwards. I think she must be some kind of alien. That would also explain her penchant for expired foods. And green bean sandwiches.

Besides, with her face down on her forearms like that, her open mouth is just asking for spiders to crawl in. You know about that, right? How people eat X number of spiders in their sleep every year? My students like to bring that up a lot. I make it a lot harder on those spiders. They have to be Tom Cruise Mission Impossible skilled to drop down and land in MY mouth.

Kids these days. They don't know the proper way to nod off to sleep in class. They need frills. Like textbook pillows. I really need to invent some saliva-proof textbook-pillow-cases to market alongside book covers. Wait! Kids don't use book covers any more. They just gouge the not-heaven out of those textbooks without a care in the world. Even though we write a damage report to try and make them pay. What we need is a good enforcer, like that Seinfeld library cop.

And more hours in a day. And night.


Sioux said...

Maybe a textbook pillowcase that makes the book look like a coffeetable.

Now THAT'S a clever idea!

Hillbilly Mom said...

What a scathingly brilliant idea! And upon the tiny coffee table, we can rest our pudding skin singles that we are saving for dessert. Because everybody knows the main course is take-out pizza made by Poppie, or made by our own hands at the Make Your Own Pie pizza place.