Saturday, May 25, 2013

Even The Elderly Are Tethered To Technology

I called my mom to check in this morning. Because she's been worried about me, of course. That Farmer H breather-borne virus that kicked my butt for two weeks near the end of school, then moved its greeny-gray tendrils straight to my sinuses for another ten days, has apparently taken up residence in my right ear. I suspect it was making me feverish, thus the five days of sweltering I endured at 74 degrees. Shh...I turned it down to 73 for a couple of nights, just to be able to sleep. Now I am unsteady, with varying degrees of dizziness throughout the day. When I lay my head down to sleep, the whole room spins! So it must be in my inner ear.

But enough about me. Mom was having a much worse day. At only 8:45 a.m.! Of course she asked about me first. She's selfless like that. When she snatched the phone up before the second ring, I feared that something was amiss.

"Were you asleep?"

"Oh, no! I'm just sitting here with nothing to do. My cable went off during the Cardinals game last night. And your nephew came out to leave a graduation card for #1, and found out I had a computer virus."

"What do you mean, HE found out you had a computer virus?"

"It was before the Cardinals game. We were looking up something about the Cardinals. The computer wasn't even on. He sat down, and said, 'Hey, Grandma! You have a virus. And it says something about child pr0n.' Goodness! That had me worried."

"Funny how that popped up when he was there."

"I was standing right behind him. I saw it. My FoxFire doesn't come up. Just that box saying I have a virus, and child pr0n."

"Have you been clicking on pop ups? Or opening emails from people you don't know?"

"Oh, no! I always put them straight in the wastebasket."

"It's probably an ad that wants you to buy a virus program. Was it McAfee? Or Norton? They're the two big ones. I get one from McAfee all the time."

"No...that doesn't sound familiar. But it did say it would cost $99.00."

"That's it. You clicked on it and it gave you a virus. There was no child pr0n. It just wanted you to panic and try to get rid of it, and make you click."

"Well, I figure I'll have to get a new computer."

"No you won't. The #1 son can fix that. Even if he has to wipe your hard drive and start over. It will be fine. I'll tell him when he gets up."

"Oh, that would be great. I'll pay him five dollars."

"You don't have to do that. But it will almost pay for his gas to town."

"Well, I can give him more."

"You don't have to give him anything. You've given him enough. And you were just thinking you needed a whole new computer."

"I'm relieved it can be fixed. I'm just sitting here. I called the cable, and the girl told me a lot of people are out. She said they are working on it, and asked if I wanted her to call me when it's back on. So I said yes. No need to keep turning it on and being disappointed. I've been listening to KMOX radio since last night when I wanted to hear how the game ended."

"Don't you have anything to read?"

"Oh! I could read some more about Regis in his book you gave me for Christmas."

"Or some of the Entertainment Weekly magazines I sent."

"Yes, that's right. I have plenty I can do."

The #1 son got up around 9:00. He grudgingly said he'd go see if he could get Grandma back online. Even though Farmer H had his truck, putting new tires on it, and he'd have to drive the $1000 Caravan. I called my mom back to tell her the good news.

"Is he on his way now? Will he be here any minute?"

"Well, he grabbed the keys, but he doesn't have shoes on yet. It will be at least 20 minutes."

"Okay. I'll be looking for him."

I called back around 10:00 to see if her problem was fixed. Again, she snatched up that phone like a new mother with a crying infant.

"Did he fix it?"

"Yes. Just now. I haven't been on it yet, but he's got it working again. I thought maybe you were the cable girl, telling my my cable is back on."

"I'll quit calling so I don't get your hopes up. You know, you could just turn your TV on every now and then, instead of waiting by the phone. She may not call. What if everybody said they wanted a phone call? You may be way down on the list."

"Well, I guess I could try that. But she said she would call."

We hung up. Five minutes later, my phone rang. Mom was laughing.

"You're not going to believe this! My cable was ON! You were right. I don't know how long it's been fixed, but I was waiting for that phone call."

"I'm glad you can get on with your day now."

"Yes. I'm going to town."

Thank the Gummi Mary, Mom was done waiting, so she could go to town.


Sioux said...

And when the volume of HM's musings comes out, or a collection of NYMB which includes a story by HM is hot off the press, then your mother will DEFINITELY have something to read...

Chickadee said...

A few months ago (and I think this was on the news too), I got a virus that shut my computer down to the blue screen of death, but across that blue screen was the FBI WARNING we have found pron on your computer. To get rid of it blah blah blah email cc# to email address and we'll take care of it.

I restarted my computer twice before calling hubby at work. Luckily, he know about the virus and how to fix it.

Pain in the arse, that stuff.

Hillbilly Mom said...

Actually, she is looking forward to that moment. One was supposed to come out in April, but was moved back to September. I am not so sure she will actually read it, but she will tell her old lady friends about it, because after all, she is my #1 fan.

I think she is confused about her Regis book. I think I gave it to her TWO Christmases ago. And she still hasn't read it all. Regis is her favorite. If she won't read about him, she won't read other stuff. Except pop-up ads telling her that her computer is infected with child pr0n.

One of my lunch buddies at school got that on his school laptop. It took Tech Dude several hours to clear up the problem. Buddy was freaking out. Tech Dude tried to assure him it was just a virus. That the FBI was not really watching him.

At least not over child pr0n at work, said the conspiracy-theorist Mrs. Hillbilly Mom...

Sioux said...

So, I should keep all the weekends clear in September and October, to ensure I won't miss your book signing?

Let me know when it's penciled in...I will be bringing a few of my heckling friends with me...

Hillbilly Mom said...

The librarian of Newmentia has offered to let me horn in on the fall book fair. My teaching buddy Mabel has offered to throw me a book signing in her classroom. We'll see what develops. I might have to refresh their memories. At least the story does not involve Elementia, Basementia, or Newmentia directly. Except for that one kid teaching my son how to fake fart.