When The Off Star Doesn't Know What The On Star Is Doing

Yes, I admit it. For years, I have opened myself up to tracking by various agencies, known and unknown. T-Hoe is infested with On-Star. It's not like we never try to scrub him and keep him clean. He came with this infestation, right off the new car lot. That was back when The Pony and the #1 son were small. Smaller. #1 was not yet driving. The Pony did not possess a cell phone. With cell towers few and far between here in Hillmomba, reception was spotty at best. So I thought nothing of renewing the free year of On-Star when the time came 'round.

One thing I refuse to do is pay by credit card. No sirree, Bob! Not this ol' Hillbilly. I'm not having them take that fee directly from my account just because I forget to mention that I want to drop the service. Besides, I prefer to pay by the year. Wouldn't you know it? Other people must feel the same way. Because there is the option to pay by check as long as you pay it by the year. You'd think that would make the makers of On-Star happy. A whole year's worth of moolah in their account. But no. They still choose to hound the timely payer. Which is moi.

I sent their check a couple of weeks ago. My service does not even end until the end of this month. Yesterday, I received an email thanking me for my renewal. All's right with T-Hoe's world, wouldn't you think? Nope.

This afternoon, I got a telephone call from On-Star. It was some guy in India. Okay. Maybe he was right here, but with a thick Indian accent. I do not mean to poke fun at those to whom English may be a second or third or fourth language. I could understand him as well as Apu on The Simpsons. As far as I could hear him, that is. Because he seemed to be taking a break at a very lively wedding or soccer match or convention of the International Cacophony-philes For World Dissonance. When I heard him say he was calling about a renewal because my On-Star service would soon be expiring, I told him I had sent my check, and already received an email thanking me for my renewal. He said he was sorry, his computer did not yet show my renewal. Too bad, so sad. I wish him well in a job where OSHA should step in and save the employees from future hearing loss. Perhaps he should switch to a safer job, waving those little flashlights on an airport runway without wearing earplugs.

But that's not the major complaint of Mrs. Hillbilly Mom's day. I climbed into T-Hoe for a quick trip to town, and before I was out of the garage, On-Star had cut my air conditioning, cut my radio, and started yakking at me about my service that was about to expire. Uh huh. Such advice, they gave it twice. Then my air conditioner kicked back on, and my radio came back. That's a bit invasive, don't you think?

Yes. I am fully aware that I can be tracked every moment of every day by On-Star. Makes me no nevermind. I am not planning to feed Farmer H to a wood chipper (any time soon), and I am not the culprit storming the pulpit to rob church donation boxes in the tri-county area.

There must be a tiny camera hidden somewhere in T-Hoe's nooks and crannies that I can use to hold up a printout of my thank-you email.