Friday, January 9, 2015

How Mrs. Hillbilly Mom Refunded Snackmass

Perhaps Mrs. Hillbilly Mom is not yet over her sickness. Maybe she still has a raging fever. Because what happened after school today was not an act that someone of Mrs. Hillbilly Mom's ilk would display.

At the very end of the day, a day book-ended by morning duty and afternoon parking lot duty...just as Mrs. HM was making a quick run slow walk to the faculty women's restroom, not to wash her hair in the sink, but to take care of business...the unthinkable happened.

As Mrs. Hillbilly Mom reached for the now-closed door of the teacher workroom, TWO STUDENTS CAME OUT!

"Oh. Excuse me. I don't mean to intrude on your time in the STUDENT LOUNGE!"

You'd think one might catch the sarcasm. But no. Apparently this lad, like Daisy Mabel, niece of Clark Griswold in National Lampoon's Vacation, was born without a tongue...was born without a sarcasm bone in his body. He chuckled. And then asked, "Do you have change for a five? Because that machine won't take a five!"

But of course. Mrs. Hillbilly Mom is now the banker for trespassers. So she reached into her pocket, drew out her wad of school money that she carries every day, lest she be accosted by donation-collectors all willy-nilly, and counted. Five. Exactly five.

And what happened then? In Newmentia they say
Mrs. HM's cold heart grew three sizes that day.

Had we not watched a video with a sidewinder devouring a lizard this very day? And had that kid not turned to his buddy and said, "That's how I feel after school. As soon as I get some food, I swallow it all at once in a hurry." Was this not after-school hours, with him waiting for his team bus to leave for an away game tonight?

Yes. Mrs. Hillbilly Mom forked over her ones for his five. Upon which he and his buddy dashed right back into the closed-door teacher workroom, and set upon the snack machine like slavering wolves upon a tender bunny.

I really don't know what got into me. I have an urge to hold hands with all the News down in Newville, and sing carols about the true meaning of afterschool snacks.

7 comments:

Kathy's Klothesline said...

Okay, I read the title as "Smackass" and was licking my lips to see who's ass you smacked! You are just not yourself!

Sioux said...

I think you're getting lax because of your looming retirement (in 2016). What will you do next--give each student their own personal box of Puffs with lotion? Install a 100-gallon drum of hand sanitizer for your class to use? Trash your Crocs and start wearing high heels?

The world has tilted--willy nilly--on its axis...

Hillbilly Mom said...

Kathy,
Yeah. I need a Snickers bar.

I was going for the opposite of How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Kind of like Elaine's bizarro world, where the Kramer had a job.

*****
Sioux,
Lax? I'm all loosey goosey with anticipation. An ti ci paa aa tion.

Sioux said...

Do you know who that song was written about? (And no, it was not written expressly for ketchup.)

I had a crazy crush on this singer (the subject of that song) in the 70's...

Hillbilly Mom said...

Sioux,
I do not know that. Since my BFF Google and I have had a falling out, you will have to enlighten me. I'm guessing the song was by James Taylor. So maybe it was about Carly Simon. But supposedly her You're So Vain song was not written about James Taylor.

I may be way off here. As I said, my BFF and I are not communicating today.

Sioux said...

This is--I think--the only time I've stumped you.

The song was written by Carly Simon about Cat Stevens. He was definitely a hottie (in my fourteen-year old opinion).

Hillbilly Mom said...

Sioux,
Don't quit your day job. Stumping Mrs. Hillbilly Mom does not pay as well as you might imagine.

I declare myself half right! Not to be confused with half-wit.