Thursday, January 28, 2016

Crisp Waters Run BLEEP

Perhaps you remember my tale of Crisp Water. The Glade air freshener that I bought out of my own money and put in the faculty women’s restroom. There is a need for such fragrance, you know. What with the things that go on in that room. Let’s just say Little Miss Puffytail and Daddy Gator ain’t a-woofin’ on those Quilted Northern commercials. Maybe nobody knows the horror they’ve seen, but Mrs. Hillbilly Mom knows the horror they’ve smelled.

Sweet Gummi Mary! You would think that my fellow female faculty had been feasting on three-day old skunk roadkill that had been bubbling in the sun before having its jellied remains scraped up and marinated with a rotten durian in a clay pot buried under the manure pile hosed off a hog barn floor to age for two weeks. Yum yum, gotta get you some...if you want the fruit of your innards to make a statement in the faculty women’s restroom of Newmentia.

Sure, I know a restroom is a place for…um…ahem…RESTING! So I don’t turn up my dainty nose, gag, and shout, “CHRIST! Did a cow shi crap in here?” when one of my cronies exits. No. That would be stealing a line from Kentucky Fried Movie. I recommend that you do not see it. Unless you are a 13-year-old boy. I do, however, recommend bringing your own air freshener to leave on the back of a workplace toilet, perhaps encouraging others to spray.

Mrs. Hillbilly Mom herself does not need to use air freshener, you know. Her gaseous emissions smell like honeysuckle wrapped around a carnation wrapped round a rose. A lovely scent that could be bottled or canned, and sold for profit. Perhaps on the counter of a proposed handbasket factory!

Which brings us back to the Crisp Water. I like that bouquet. I really, really like it. As much as people like Sally Field. So much so, in fact, that only yesterday afternoon, when The Pony joked that he went to the bathroom before we left school, and could have used the Crisp Water, I told him…

“I like that Crisp Water so much that it makes me want to poop!”

Yeah. He is. Most likely scarred for life.


Sioux said...

You DO know, don't you, that you can give it a little spray even if you aren't dropping a deuce?

Perhaps you could start using it like perfume?

Hillbilly Mom said...

"That's just wasteful!" As my German-descended grandma would have declared. while giving me a variety of perfumes to choose from, in their clever Avon bottles.