Sunday, January 17, 2016

Never A Plan With That One

You know how you look forward to Fridays? And especially to Friday nights, when you have the whole weekend ahead of you, and in this most recent case, a THREE-DAY (!) weekend ahead of you, not a care in the world. A Friday night to let your hair down, relax, slip into your comfortable sweatpants with the hole at the hip, and your red Crocs, and your pinstriped oxford shirt with several stains upon the front. Perhaps order in some Chinese picked up by Farmer H. Ah, yes. Friday night! Could there be anything better to look forward to?

Why yes there could! A short visit from the #1 son on Saturday morning, to provide The Pony with his new hand-me-down phone, thus restoring The Pony's internet capabilities. So Mrs. Hillbilly Mom and The Pony were both stoked for the start of the long weekend. We were delayed a bit at Newmentia, because Mrs. HM had put in the wrong assignment title in preparation for Tuesday's work. But after that, we were making an early getaway, and stopping by Save A Lot briefly to pick up some hamburger. Save A Lot has their own butcher, and their hamburger is the best around! Forget that watery tasteless Devil's Playground hamburger. Save A Lot's hamburger is just right. Moist and tasty, drawing rave reviews in chili, soup, meatloaf, and grilled burgers. My mom used to quiz me on how I provided her with such tasty leftovers. It's all in the hamburger. And now I was picking up some hamburger to brew up a pot of chili on Saturday morning, to give #1 a couple of soup containers full of chili to take back with him. He loves my chili.

Yes, we had been workin' for the weekend. But now I was about to go off the deep end.

As I sat at my desk deleting and adding assignment titles in the gradebook program, my cell phone rang. I knew it had to be Farmer H or the #1 son, because they both call at absolutely the most inconvenient moments. That, and they're the only two people who ever call me.

"Mom? I'm in The Previous Population Center of the United States, on the way home. I'm switching out the phones today."

"WHAT? We did not expect you until tomorrow morning! We haven't even left school yet! And I was going by the store. I was planning to make you some chili! The house is a mess."

"I'll only be there about 10 minutes. I need to be back in College Town by six." Let the record show that College Town is 1:45 away on a good day. And it was already 3:20, with #1 an hour still from the Mansion.

"The phone is in a pile of stuff on the kitchen counter. I guess you can find it. Do you think you can get everything done in 10 minutes?" Let the record show that #1 had mistakenly had his NEW phone FedExed to the Manion, and had called the evening it arrived blaming ME because he didn't think to change the shipping address when he used my credit card to order HIMSELF a NEW phone so The Pony could get his hand-me-down. "Like I said, we really weren't expecting you. So don't think the house is going to be picked up. It's the end of the week, and I've been working."

"I'll find it. I'll probably be gone by the time you get home."

"I'm just saying...we were not expecting you. So the house won't be up to your standards."

"Then you're really not going to be happy to hear that Bud is with me."


#1 either lost service, or he hung up on me, because there was no further response.

I am sorry, Bud, that you were probably listening to my end of the conversation on #1's fancy phone-plays-out-the-car-radio system. I bear you no ill will, Bud. In fact, I find myself liking you better than #1, because you are polite, witty, and seem to share my sense of sensibility. Sure, you are probably just Eddie-Haskelling me...but you're a smooth operator, Bud. However...Mrs. HM does not like visitors in her house, especially when she has nobody willing to help, and no time to straighten up the Mansion. It's not you. It's her.

"Pony. You know how you just sent Dad that text on my phone to pick up Chinese? Do you think we ought to text him back so he can get something for #1 and Bud? He's on his way there right now. He says he's only staying 10 minutes."

"Nah. They'll be gone before Dad gets home with the food."

"Yeah. It's always at least 5:30 or 5:45 when Dad picks up Chinese. And #1 said last time that the Chinese he gets in College Town every week with the $6 that Grandma wanted him sent is SO MUCH BETTER than ours."

I decided to go straight home. No need to get the hamburger yet, because no time for the chili. It doesn't take long...but it takes more than 10 minutes.

Of course you know what happened. #1 had trouble getting The Pony's new old phone to utilize the unlimited internet on our plan. He fired up my Shiba in the front window and announced he would be using up 10% of MY internet remaining until the end of the month. Then Farmer H came up the driveway at 4:45 bearing Chinese. Which The Pony promptly ran to the kitchen to dish up while I was sitting in the La-Z-Boy entertaining Bud.

"Oh. Since you had only planned on being here for 10 minutes, we did not order you the Chinese we had planned on for supper."

"WHAT? I LOVE that Chinese!"

" can have what I ordered, but I don't think you like Hunan pork."

"Pony! Can I have some of your sweet & sour chicken?"


"Bud! Come on, let's get some chicken." And sauce. And then the pint of fried rice. Traipsing through the messy kitchen.

"I had planned to make you some chili to take back with you."

"Then get in the kitchen, woman, and get to making chili!"

"Um. I did not go by the store, because you were only going to be here 10 minutes. Now you've been here an hour and 15 minutes. I could have made chili. But you're supposed to be back in College Town in a half hour."

"Oh, I don't HAVE to be back. I had just planned on being back."

"Here. Here's some gas money for coming home to make sure The Pony had his internet."

"Good. Because I need it. Whoa! Forty? I thought it was only twenty!"

"Then give one back."

"No. That's okay. Hey, Bud. Here's a fortune cookie. Ooh! Listen to mine: 'You will come into some money.' Says the forty dollars in my pocket!"

"There's a container of Chex Mix left in that box on the kitchen table. You can take that back with you."

"No. You should have offered it before I was full of sweet and sour chicken. Anyway, I think we're done now."

"Well...maybe BUD would like to take it." Let the record show that Bud is an RA, trapped in the dorm, and that such sadness passed across Bud's face when #1 refused the Chex Mix that I HAD to offer it to him.

"Thank you! Yes, I'll take it." Said Bud appreciatively, as he traipsed back through the messy kitchen and popped the top and started munching.

#1 loaded up his laptop, grabbed his new phone, and hit the road. A whirlwind visit that only delayed Mrs. Hillbilly Mom's comfortable clothes and Chinese supper by an hour and 30 minutes. And used up 20% of her remaining internet for the month.


Sioux said...

Your eldest is not normal. What college kid turns down any food? It's unheard of...

Kathy's Klothesline said...

Well, at least you got to see him! I know what you mean about having visitors when your house is not up to company standards.

Hillbilly Mom said...

Yeah. I suspect him of operating a strong-arm give-me-your-dinner ring, or getting in on the ground floor of a pyramid scheme in which you give dinner to three people, and then get a cut of all the people they give dinner to...

I know. And he knows. He had the $40 in his pocket to prove it.