Saturday, January 30, 2016

There But For The Grace Of The Pony Go I In My Sweatpants With The Hole In The Left Hip

We live in fear around here, The Pony and I. Like prisoners in our own Mansion. Oh, we would like to come and go as we please, wearing what we want to wear, without thought of the prying eyes of strangers judging us on our own turf.

I had just returned from Save A Lot this afternoon, with boxes of food to put away, when Farmer H made his grand entrance. He works until noon most Saturdays. I asked if he had eaten lunch, or if he wanted some of the Ferratto's Rising Crust Pepperoni Pizza I had picked up for The Pony, who, like me, does not like pepperoni. The intent all along was to get something easy to remove from half. I prefer a supreme, but I was not in a mood to pry onions and peppers and nuggets of sausage off a a frozen pizza before cooking.

"Well, I ate White Castle, but I would eat some pizza."

Of course he would. Who in their right mind would turn down Save A Lot brand frozen pizza. Besides Mrs. Hillbilly Mom, too lazy to buy the kind she favors.

Off Farmer H went to do outside things in the 64-degree yard. The Pony and I put stuff away, and I readied the pizza for baking.

"Pony. Take this old Chinese out and throw it in the yard for the chickens. They like the rice."

Off he went, only to return immediately. "I can't. Dad is in the front yard with a guy."

"Who is it?"

"I don't know. But I didn't want to go out there and throw rice." Let the record show that The Pony was still wearing flannel boxers and an old junior college science fair t-shirt that he sleeps in. He had already told me earlier that he had no plans for getting dressed today.

"Okay. Then go dump this leftover Coney Dog sauce off the back porch. I want to wash the container."

Off went The Pony to the back porch. The minute he closed the kitchen door, I hear a motor start up. Like a chainsaw. Or a 4-wheeler. Or the pool pump. The Pony came back in quickly. Mission accomplished.

"What's that noise?"

"I don't know. But now Dad is in the BACK YARD! Doing something by the pool."

"Is that man out there with him?"

"I didn't see him. But probably. I dumped the stuff anyway. I don't think I hit him."

Turns out it was one of the roofer guys. Farmer H called him because he left some screws, or he needed some screws, or he used the wrong kind of screws...who really knows. It was a screwy situation.

The least he could do is tell us about his cockamamie plans and visitors on the property. He himself used to walk out on the porch in his tighty whities and take a whiz whenever the mood struck. Mostly on the BACK porch, thank the Gummi Mary. And I always made sure to tell him if my mom was coming out.

Not that anybody's presence would have stopped him.


Sioux said...

Well, he's king of his castle. He can do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, however he wants...

fishducky said...

Glad you were able to unscrew your screwy situation!!

Hillbilly Mom said...

Master of the house, doling out the charm, ready with a handshake and an open palm...all he needs is a buddy with a new suede jacket lined with pink and white stripes.

Yes. Because you know how much space those screws take up. I'm sure the Mansion was in imminent peril if Farmer H didn't clear up the screw matter right then.

Kathy's Klothesline said...

Why is it that men like to pee outside? Once upon a time we had a work camper who was fond of this particular activity. I was okay with it, as long as I did not have to witness the event. Unfortunately this same camper liked his alcohol, too. So much so that I received several complaints about him one evening as he was busy watering another camper's woodpile .....

Hillbilly Mom said...

This one time, at Elementia, when the #1 son was in 1st grade, the kids were talking right before the bell rang. A girl said, "My little brother pees outside!" And #1 said, "My DAD pees outside." And went on to describe Farmer H's escapades in detail.

The next day, my superintendent told me he heard that the police were called to my neck of the woods...for a case of indecent exposure. He was just joshin' me.