Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Mrs. Hillbilly Mom's Life Is Fraught With Danger

Shark week does not scare Mrs. Hillbilly Mom.

Nope! She's fairly confident that she's safe from those cartilaginous carnivores, high upon her pedestal hill in Outer Hillmomba, with her freshwater creek down behind the Mansion too shallow for a shark to swim from the Gulf of Mexico, up through the Mississippi Delta, convert to freshwaterism, torpedo himself up Old Man River, past Louisiana, Mississippi, Arkansas, Tennessee, a tiny blob of Kentucky, and Illinois to hang a left at the Meramec River, then detour to Big River, get off at Terre Bleue Creek, then jump out on the bank near Farmer H's creekside cabin and walk up to the Mansion, climb the steps, fight off Puppy Jack, ring the doorbell, and bite off Mrs. HM's head.

Yes, Mrs. Hillbilly Mom is not really concerned with sharks, or with marine or freshwater dangers. BUT SHE SHOULD BE!

On Sunday, Mrs. Hillbilly Mom nearly drowned in the shower.

It's true! There she was, lathering up her lovely lady mullet with Suave Watermelon 2-in-1 Shampoo + Conditioner, not a care in the world, preparing to mount an expedition in T-Hoe to procure her 44 oz Diet Coke...when her lungs filled with water!

Let the record show that the shower head is Farmer H's responsibility. And that Farmer H is way too absorbed in building new themed sheds and spending money secretly than he is on soaking the shower head in vinegar for a half hour to rid its holes of lime scale. So even though one might be showering and assume a gentle rain of warm water upon one's tresses, one might actually have a gentle rain from all shower-head holes but ONE, and accidentally inhale that rogue stream that curves out over the forehead to descend dangerously close to nostrils and mouth.

Oh, the horror! It's that feeling of KNOWING you have to cough. COUGH HARD! To get that water back out of your lungs. But first you have to deeply inhale to have the breath to COUGH HARD. And you can't really take a breath when you have water in your lungs! So you sputter a tiny bit, trying to clear out a few droplets of water to let in a few tiny snorts of air, all the while planning to cough out water, whiff in air, until you can get that great big breath so you can COUGH HARD.

You'd think a person had a higher probability of being attacked by a shark than drowning in the shower. But it's not true in Hillmomba.

4 comments:

Sioux said...

Did Farmer H recently take out some extra life insurance on you?

Death by shower head is #3 on the list of murder techniques.

fishducky said...

#3, really? I'd have thought it would be higher!!

Kathy's Klothesline said...

Really, you expect the shed builder to maintain the shower head? I do that chore myself, but I refuse to route out the sewer line!!

Hillbilly Mom said...

Sioux,
I don't know about the insurance. He seems to have plenty of money available for buying his play-pretties. I have not been worried about the shower head technique, only checking the yard each day for the arrival of a wood-chipper.

***
fishducky,
You and Madam above run with an exclusive crowd, it seems...

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Kathy,
Yes, but you are a jack of 1000 trades, and master of 999. Sorry, I must disallow painting picnic tables, because of your recent paint/phone fiasco.