Friday, July 14, 2017

If He Was A Gunslinger, He'd Be In Trouble

Since the weather has been topping 100 degrees by afternoon, I've given up my evening driveway walk. But don't you worry about Mrs. Hillbilly Mom going to seed, turning from a lean mean fighting machine into a blob of suet. Silly worriers! Suet would MELT IN THIS HEAT!

I've taken to walking in the morning. It doesn't really suit my schedule, because most of the time I'm going to bed at 3:00 a.m., and who wants to get up before 7:00 to walk? Not Mrs. HM, that's for sure. But sometimes you gotta do things you don't wanna do. So I'm trying to get to bed by 1:00, so I can still get my six hours of sleep, and get up and walk while the driveway is about 75% shady. Not to be confused with Farmer H, who is 100% shady.

I don't ask Farmer H for much. Oh, sure, I ask him not to leave poop on the back of the toilet, and mud clods on the floor, and banana peels in the La-Z-Boy cushions, and toenails in the candle on the mantel, and to take me to the casino once or twice a month, and to tell me when he's going to have people roaming around the Mansion, and to wake me up when I have something to do. Okay. Maybe I DO ask him for a lot. But he needs to get over it.

Since Farmer H leaves for work at 6:00 a.m., I've asked him to call me at 6:45. That's about the time he pulls onto the workplace parking lot. How hard could it be? It's one thumb-push on his cell phone, and a five-second greeting. He did it for me ONCE this week.

Okay, now don't go asking Mrs. HM why she can't wake herself up. Her body clock does that. At 9:15 every morning when she goes to bed at 3:00. But when she goes to bed at 1:00, and wakes up at 7:15, it's already too hot and sweaty outside to walk. An alarm clock, you say? Why can't she use an alarm clock? HOOOO BUDDY! You don't know Mrs. HM very well at all. It would be easier for her to find an egg in the yard before Sweet, Sweet Juno eats it, and hatch that egg after 21 days, and raise that little chick without it being eaten by neighbor dogs or snakes or foxes, and train it to sit on her nightstand and crow at exactly 6:45 a.m... than learn how to set one o' them there ALARM CLOCK RADIO THINGIES! was Friday. Farmer H doesn't work on Fridays. He set his alarm to get up at 5:30, though, so he had time to drive to town and eat breakfast, and then cut up a tree over in the BARn field before the sun got too hot. I asked him to call me at 6:45 to wake me for walking. Not forget like he did on Thursday, when I arose at 7:15 and said, "No way, no how, am I going out in that sun, and sweat up and down the driveway."

At 6:45, Farmer H woke me this morning. In person. Standing beside the bed.

"I would have called you, but I lost my phone."

"Great. There's another couple hundred dollars that I can't spend at the casino." [Just kidding. Let the record show that I don't use house money at the casino. I used my previous winnings from scratchers.]

"I've looked all over. I don't know where it could be."

"It was on the bathroom counter when I went to bed."

"I got it off there. The whole holster is gone. I've lost it somewhere."

"Maybe you laid it down. Call it with my phone and listen."

"No. I'll go retrace my steps."

"I've got to get dressed and get outside. Just go get my phone and call it. The worst that can happen is that you don't hear it. And maybe you WILL, and you'll find it."

"No. I'm fine. I'll go out and look."

"Why do I have to do EVERYTHING around here? I'll do it. Start listening."

"Well, your phone is different than mine. I don't know how to get into it."

DUH!!! Why didn't he just say so? You'd think my little android was some complicated ALARM CLOCK RADIO THINGY! I called, but there was no sound inside the Mansion. Farmer H went out the door. I could hear the dogs start their barking frenzy when he fired up the Gator. Right before I went out to walk, the house phone rang.

"I found it."


"In my car. It had fallen between the seat and the console."

I swear. I don't know how men walk around with those things.


Sioux Roslawski said...

HM--I agree with you. If I walked around with those things, I'd get it caught in my zipper.

Oh. You're talking about a phone?

(By the way, you can use your cell phone as an alarm clock. It's so easy, even I can do it.)

Hillbilly Mom said...

WHOA! You mean a phone can be an alarm clock? That's the greatest invention since that ALARM CLOCK RADIO THINGY!

I think you overestimate my technological acuity, Madam! I am still trying to figure out how to use my phone like a flashlight. The Pony did it with his!

fishducky said...

I have a hearing problem, so I sleep right through any alarm clock!!

Kathy's Klothesline said...

Sioux is right! HeWho uses his phone as an alarm clock. It is quite alarming, as he has it set on the highest volume and with the most obnoxious tone that sounds like a fire alarm. And I almost forgot ..... you can add flashing lights, too. Scared me so bad my hair is turning white! I guess he forgot that I can hear the slightest of sounds and would have gotten him up in a more peaceful manner than slamming him in the head with a pillow while the dogs were barking frantically.

Hillbilly Mom said...

Farmer H has a SELECTIVE hearing problem!

Farmer H uses his phone when he needs to get up at odd times, and leaves the work alarm set on the ALARM CLOCK RADIO THINGY. I think that VALidates my belief that it's a complicated contraption!

Though the best alarm is probably Farmer H himself, packing a suitcase on the bed, at 6:30 in the morning while I'm trying to sleep.

River said...

What's wrong with buying a good old fashioned alarm clock where you turn the little knob to set the arm at the time you want and in the morning it rings your ears off.

Hillbilly Mom said...

That's what I used to have before I married Farmer H! I'm sure I can find one at The Devil's Playground. The ticking at night might drive me crazy, though.