Sunday, November 5, 2017

Farmer H's Pecadillo Puts Him In A Bit Of A Pickle

I hate to do this to you, fresh on the heels of Farmer H's butt yesterday. I'll try not to be too graphic. You know how good I am sugar-coating the sordid details.

Farmer H has a George-Costanza-like problem. Not a problem, per se, but a need to know the best toilet facilities anywhere in Hillmomba. Now that he is spending most of the day gathering new old merchandise for his storage shed store, or transporting merchandise that he already has, or selling merchandise when customers arrive...he has a need to use the facilities without driving five miles home and back.

The flea market storage shed place has restrooms down at the far end of the lot. When he's there, Farmer H can get somebody else to watch his shed, and use that one. Sometimes he's carousing around town at the Casey's, prior to locking his keys in his truck, or picking up strange women and dropping them off 12 miles down the road at the treatment center.

Here's the thing. Farmer H says he doesn't like to use the Casey's bathroom unless he buys something. Seriously. Like they care. I doubt the clerks watch him and badmouth him when he leaves if he doesn't make a purchase. Maybe this is just Farmer H's way of justifying all those donuts he eats that are not recommended for his diabetes.

I, myself, prefer the facilities at Hardee's if I must stop before I get home. I can usually hold it for five miles, though. Hardee's has their restroom down a little hall to the right side as you enter the door. You don't even have to get close to the counter or dining area. Nobody sees you, really, unless there's somebody paid to be a Nosy Nancy and chart where customers (or not) go when they enter. Besides, I used to get a chicken bowl at the drive-thru every day, until I discovered the deliciousness of The Devil's Playground deli pinwheels. I feel like I have many days credit built up from NOT using the restroom when I was a paying customer.

I'm still not sure if Farmer H is being truthful. It took him a long time to answer when he told me about a car being almost stolen at Casey's on Thursday morning, and I asked what he was doing in Casey's. After a couple of false starts, he said he was buying a soda. I pointed out that he has plenty of soda here in FRIG II, Diet Mountain Dew in the 20 oz bottles he prefers (no fountain soda for Farmer H), that he could take along to his storage shed store to sip throughout the morning.

I pointedly asked if he was buying donuts, but he denied it. Then told me that he likes to buy something if he goes in to use their restroom. I asked about the one on the storage shed lot, and he said he had to use THAT one, too, a short time later. He thinks he might have gotten food poisoning from eating a hamburger that one of the ladies with a booth was selling. I pointed out that food poison does not work instantly like that. It was more likely the Casey's donuts that he'd bought that morning.

For a minute there, I thought I had outsmarted him. Nope. He said maybe it was his supper from the night before, which was a ham sandwich. I'm more inclined to say that it was the sugar-free candy I buy him, which he eats more of than he should. It can have that result, I hear. Specifically from my sister the ex-mayor's wife, who said somebody gave it out to the kindergarteners one year in treat bags.

Not sure where I was going with this. But I'm pretty sure I'm done.


Sioux Roslawski said...

I know exactly where you're going... You're going to tend to Farmer H, since the both of you are retired and get to spend soooo much time together.

River said...

I know pretty much everything that sends me running and avoid those foods like they were plague ridden, but every now and then my gut likes to surprise me and I have to mentally track back over every bite to figure out what it might have been. Usually I come up with an answer, but sometimes I have to eat that something again before I get it.

Hillbilly Mom said...

Ya got me! I might even ask to see his hemorrhoid!

I think Farmer H might secretly know what did it, but he won't admit to me what he's been eating while he's unsupervised.

fishducky said...

I wouldn't trust Farmer H even when he IS supervised!!

Hillbilly Mom said...

Yeah. He would find a way.

Kathy's Klothesline said...

Isn't it ironic .... when our babies were born we began discussing poop issues pertaining to the infants, now that we are old we share poop issues with each other. Hemorrhoids, too.

Hillbilly Mom said...

I don't have a handle on irony, but I'll take your word for it!