Saturday, November 4, 2017

I'm Not Saying He's Turning Into One, But Evidence Is Not On His Side

Could Farmer H be slowing getting in touch with his feminine side?

You know me for being indelicate unladylike of me...but... well...remember that time Farmer H had a hemorrhoid? He still has it. In fact, just like his doctor nurse practitioner told him, it resolved itself on its own. Kind of. I don't think it's actually resolved yet. Anyhoo...after a week or so of hearing him moan and groan and limp and sit gingerly upon his rumpus, you recall, Farmer H summoned me to the shower one evening to "take a look at it." Which I declined.

Have you ever seen the movie Carrie? From the Stephen King book? The original Carrie, with Sissy Spacek and Piper Laurie? Do you remember how it starts? With that locker room scene, all foggy and these-days-inappropriate, with Carrie herself in the shower, discovering her menses? I swear, that is what this reminded me of! Farmer H thought he was bleeding to death! From a hemorrhoid!

Sweet Gummi Mary! This is why men don't have babies. They truly are the weaker sex. They can't handle a little blood loss. Farmer H put a towel on the cushion of his La-Z-Boy. He strapped up with stick-on feminine hygiene products that he rummaged around under the bathroom sink for. Not that I need them anymore, of course. Good thing for him I was prepared for those little surprises that sometimes happen, or he'd have been plugging up with something more invasive.

Anyhoo...Farmer H continued to complain that he was bleeding to death. He didn't go anywhere without his "diaper" as he called it, and he spread a towel down on the mattress at bedtime. I reminded him that he takes a daily aspirin, and that makes the blood clot slower. Also, every time he said he was going in the bathroom to "try to poop," I had to remind him that he should probably drink more fluids and eat more fiber, because sitting there on the toilet trying to make the magic happen was not helping his hemorrhoid heal.

I think maybe things in the rumpus department are on the mend, because I don't hear daily anymore about how Farmer H is bleeding to death. He doesn't curtail his activities, and the towel has been washed and folded and he doesn't haul it around like Linus's blanket. He spends all day getting stuff set out in his storage container store. So I don't think I'll need to order a tombstone any time soon.

Farmer H mentioned that he needs something to keep his money in at the flea market. He has to get small bills for change, and he doesn't need his wallet to explode like George Costanza's when he put that tear-off strip for free guitar lessons in there. I looked for a money bag at The Devil's Playground the last two trips. Apparently, The Devil doesn't want us to accumulate money. There was nary a one in either of the two stores.

Wednesday, I found Farmer H the next best thing to a money bag. It's a makeup bag! I resisted the urge to get the pink-and-silver glitzy one. I brought him basic black. You can still tell that it's a makeup bag, not a money bag. But it'll get the job done.

I don't know if I should tell Farmer H about the pink-and-silver bag. He might've preferred it.


Sioux Roslawski said...

Perhaps you can pick out a lipstick shade that would go with Farmer H's complexion/eye color, and slip it into his money bag, so the bag can do double duty...

Hillbilly Mom said...

Heh, heh! I could tell him it's the newest Chapstick, and he needs to protect his lips from the elements. His eyes are green, but I'm thinking a lovely shade of magenta on his lips might complement them.

River said...

You could get him one of those "bum bags' that strap on around the hips or waist and hang like an extra belly, but a belly with a zip and filled with notes and change. I used to have a leather one and miss it now that I don't but it's impossible to find a nice one these days, they're all so cheap and nasty looking.

Hillbilly Mom said...

Ooh! Farmer H would look stunning in one of those! Heh, heh. Actually, it sounds quite functional for what he's doing. He can probably find one for himself at Goodwill. I'll be sure to tell him.

River said...

A lot of market stall people out here wear them so they don't have to keep rushing back to the till for change.

Hillbilly Mom said...

Farmer H said several people use them, and he even found one in some of the stuff from my mom's house. Right now he's keeping money in his pocket, and when it accumulates, he locks it in his car, over the visor. He parks behind the back door of his storage unit, so he can go out there and still keep an eye on people inside.

Kathy's Klothesline said...

I saw the perfect fanny pack (still not sure why they call them that, since they are on your belly), this one looks like a fat hairy belly!!

Hillbilly Mom said...

Heh, heh! Farmer H probably would have liked that. He would get a lot of attention, and draw people into his storage shed store.