Farmer H was born without a funny bone. Pretty sure I've mentioned that before. He never quite gets the joke, unless it's about body excretions or private parts, mainly with cartoons. He's even been known to criticize my TV comedy shows, calling them NOT FUNNY, and ENTERTAINMENT FOR MORONS. He's not one to parse words, Farmer H.
What Farmer H lacks in the skeletal department, he makes up for in the empty head department. It's not so much empty, as full of hot air. Emphasis on the HOT. Farmer H is a hot-head!
Tuesday, I was on the way to The Devil's Playground when he came into the Mansion. He'd asked me the night before to make a new dish that he'd seen on the Facebook of This Guy's Wife, the one we bought the $5000 house from.
"It looks really good. It's tomatoes stuffed with bacon and egg and cheese."
"Well. I'm going to the store tomorrow. I'll just need to add to my list. Tomatoes. Bacon. Eggs. I already have cheese."
My sarcasm goes unnoticed by Farmer H. Right over his hot head. I'd looked up a couple of recipes the night before. Good thing. Because just as I was going out the door, Farmer H decided to show me on his phone. It took him 10 minutes to find it. He read it to me, to prove he hadn't made it up.
"This is a delicious breakfast dish. We've been having it for dinner, though, because preparation is so time-consuming--"
"Uh huh. That's what I thought! Oh, well. YOU'RE not gonna be the one consuming your time."
Off I went. Backing (slowly due to my passenger mirror not folding in) out of the garage in T-Hoe, I noticed that SilverRedO's bumper had a dent. Huh. Was that always there? I tried to call Farmer H. No answer. I decided it could wait, since I was busy driving and then shopping for 30 minutes. When I came out of The Devil's Playground, I had a text from Farmer H.
"Call or text me when you get home I'm in my chair"
I tried to call then, to let him know my ETA. He has been working on Copper Jack's new trailer's wiring. No answer. Huh. It was less than 5 minutes since he'd sent that text. I tried again as I was driving home. No answer. When I stopped at Orb K for my 44 oz Polar Pop Diet Coke, I sent him a text.
"I've called twice since that text, but you didn't answer. Don't have time now."
I called again just before I got to Mailbox Row. No answer. When I got to the end of the driveway, opening the garage door, I honked. Still no Farmer H. I was about to get worried that he'd had heat stroke or something. The temp was 98 degrees. I carried my magical elixir and purse into the Mansion. As I walked through the kitchen door, I yelled,
"HEY! Are you alive? I called three times, and sent a text, and you never answered me!"
Farmer H jumped up, sputtering, and started for the kitchen. "Oh. Are you home?"
"You need to start answering me! The only reason we've paid for you to have a phone for the last 20 years is so you CAN ANSWER TO ME!"
Well! Farmer H came unglued, and started being all outrageous and self-righteous, mouthing me for being all hateful to him, when HE's the one who left me hangin'. And the one who wouldn't let me finish my sentence before name-calling me and swearing at me. AS IF the part about only paying for his phone was so he could answer to me was not meant as a joke.
Yes, Farmer H is definitely in need of a funny bone. I don't know how much one would cost, like if I could just get the funny bone, and cut Farmer H open and put it in myself. I don't think our insurance would cover it. Maybe I could get him a cadaver funny bone. Or a pig's funny bone. I bet Genius could even make him one on his 3D printer!
Is it ethical to start a ComePayMoi to buy your husband a funny bone?