Sunday, January 19, 2020

When Even Steven Makes One Package Uncloseable, He Makes Another One Unopenable

Nobody knows the trouble I've seen, though most of you know my sorrow...because I'm whining about it every doggone day!

Saturday, I had a late supper. Farmer H went to the auction from an errand (heh, heh, I first typed ERROR) he neglected to tell me about. So I was on my own feeding timetable. My plan was a ham sandwich, a side salad, and some potato chips. Mmm...a 5-star Michelin chef in the making!

Anyhoo...I had a bag of shredded cheddar cheese that I opened, to sprinkle on my salad. You know how they have that little notch in the side, where it says TEAR HERE. They never tear. So I had to get out my kitchen shears and cut across. Still wouldn't come apart there. So twice, I cut a little deeper down, always careful not to interfere with the groovy parts that re-seal the bag. I got it open, sprinkled my cheese, then slid my fingers along the grooves to seal the bag.

It would not take hold. No matter which side I started on. No matter how accurately I peered down inside, and lined up the groove and the long bumpy thing. It's always the same brand, the Great Value from the Devil's Playground. I had to fold over the top a couple times, and use a chip clip to hold it shut.

After slicing my tomatoes, I reached for the salad dressing. It was a new bottle, bought this week at Save A Lot. Lite Ranch. It's my favorite dressing. I peeled the paper label off the lid. The top is one that flips open, with a little hole, to squeeze out the salad dressing. First, though, you have to unscrew the whole top on a new bottle, to pry off that cardboard seal on the top of the bottle.

I could not get that plastic top to screw off. I know that it's lefty loosey, righty tighty. I was turning it the right way. I did it the normal grip, with my thumb pointed down. And the opposite, using the heel of my hand to grip, thumb pointed up. I also did this with a rubber gripper thingy, both ways. I tried my gadget with the assorted hole sizes, to use leverage to open that lid. NOTHING.

I had almost resigned myself to letting that dressing wait until Farmer H was home, and using the Ken's Steakhouse Chunky Blue Cheese Dressing left over from Genius's Christmas salad. But I really wanted my Lite Ranch. I laid the bottle on its side on the kitchen counter, and


Not the actual Pioneer Woman, Ree whatshername. That would be frowned upon, I think, and not very effective. No, I used the butt-end of my large Pioneer Woman ceramic knife. One whack was all it took! I was shocked to pick up that bottle, and turn the lid like it had been open for weeks.

When Even Steven makes one package uncloseable, he makes another one unopenable. Until I outsmart him!


Sioux Roslawski said...

One of my exes was a Steve(n). In hindsight, he wasn't too smart. Even now, I imagine he's still not the brightest bulb on the shelf, so you probably didn't even have to strain your intellect to outsmart Even Steven.

Aaah. An evening without PITA. For me, those are few and far between.

Hillbilly Mom said...

Even Steven is relentless. I may outsmart him, but somewhere down the line, he's going to get EVEN!

I have plenty of PITAless evenings! Auctions rarely cancel due to weather. Mondays, Wednesday last week, Friday, and Saturday. Occasionally it's a Thursday afternoon affair, traveling with a buddy to a more distant venue. Loaning the original investment (now paid back) for those 18 storage units was the best decision I ever made!!!

Sioux Roslawski said...

Does he need an intern? My PITA is going to retire at some point, and if I am to avoid committing a felony, he will need to be gone at least some of the time.

River said...

I find running the grooves part of a screw cap under hot water for a couple of seconds usually loosens it, but your whack method is faster. I hate "tear here" packages that don't tear and if the zip lock groove doesn't close I'll tip the contents into a new zip lock bag from the box in the bottom drawer.

Hillbilly Mom said...

Oh my gosh! I almost had a panic attack when I saw RETIRE! What are you going to do??? You HAVE to get him a hobby! Hick would love an intern. Or a lackey. Or just someone to listen to his stories all day. The commute might be difficult, but at least that would take up two or more hours of the day...

The hot water treatment is my go-to for metal lids. Like on pickle jars. This one was plastic. I thought about it, but decided it wasn't worth the LOOOONG wait for my hot water to heat up. It takes forever.

I have been known to keep an empty, working cheese bag on the counter while I open a new one, and pour the cheese into it if the new seal fails. That only works when I run out in the middle of cheesing something, though, and have the old bag on hand when I open the new one.