Farmer H went to the bank the other day to wire some money to a relative in need. We've become the First National Bank of Hillbilly lately, our mouths writing checks for other people's rumpuses to cash. You'd think we were a soft touch or something.
Anyhoo...later that night, he had a tale of outrage.
"I saw your nephew at the bank. Your sister the ex-mayor's wife's boy."
"Yeah...? I know who it is. I only have one nephew."
Let the record show that we all live in the same area, but don't do a lot of social things together. Christmas and an occasional barbecue. Or our CasinoPalooza trips.
"Well...he couldn't even be bothered to speak to me! I think it was him..."
"Did he see YOU?"
"I think so."
"You haven't seen him in a while..."
"I know."
"Are you sure it was him?"
"How many people have a red beard?"
"I don't know...all redheaded men? About 2 percent of the population? About 120 people in Bank Town?"
"Well, he didn't speak!"
"Did YOU speak to HIM?"
"No."
"Maybe he wasn't sure it was you. You HAVE been growing that crazy Santa meth beard..."
"It's not a meth beard!"
"It's pointy and not very long. And gray with a white stripe. It's a crazy meth beard, and you're trying to fool the kids into thinking it's a Santa beard."
"I wish there was somethin' to put on it and bleach it all white."
"It's 8:30 on the night before you play Santa. I think that's how it's going to look. You didn't have that last time you saw Neph. You just had the regular goatee thing."
"Well. He should have spoke to me. Who does he think he is?"
For all I know, it wasn't even Neph. Leave it to Farmer H to start a family feud a couple weeks before Christmas.
3 comments:
This is how my mother starts feuds. "Why should I speak to her first? She didn't speak to me!" or some other nonsense.
I side with Farmer H. Disown your sister and her side. Get a restraining order, so they can never get near you and your family. Train Puppy Jack and Juno how to use a gun. They should be armed (or legged) at all times.
This is war. Don't go all wussy on us.
River,
I KNOW! Farmer H didn't speak, but that's different, I guess. AND he wasn't even sure that was Neph. So I'm pretty sure that if it WAS Neph, he wasn't sure that was Farmer H.
***
Sioux,
Heh, heh! My side is the only side that doesn't ask for money! We might want to look at Farmer H's side, which is why he was in the bank in the first place.
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