Scary Stories To Tell Of The Mart

Becoming discombobulated in Country Mart because ALL OF THE BAKED GOODS WERE MISSING (including their tables and racks) is NOT the scariest thing that happened there lately. I'm not sure you're up to such horrific details. But maybe you're fans of scary movies. 

 

We just re-watched THE BIRDS last week. The Pony marveled at how bad the GCI was. Heh, heh! I told him that was not CGI. It was just the state of special effects back then. And back then, they sometimes left the most gory details to the imagination. Like when Annie's body (Suzanne Pleshette) was found on her porch, and you knew her eyes were pecked out, but Mitch (Rod Taylor) held his hand over her face so Melanie (Tippi Hedren) and those of us watching, couldn't see it.

Well. Get ready for Mrs. HM's frightening facts. Curl up on the couch, or perhaps turn up the heat on your OPC (Old People Chair), or drape yourself in velvet or a fleece throw. Get ready to cover your own un-pecked eyes if the tale gets too scary. I don't suggest popcorn or candy. This story involves FOOD.

It was last week. I was browsing at the deli hot counter, but only saw a couple dried-out paper-thin fish planks, and some fried chicken. Plus some tire-looking sides like macaroni and cheese, and mashed potatoes. I figured they'd all been there since lunch, and it was going on 4:00. So I headed around to the cold case. No pinwheels. No chicken salad sandwiches. There were some clear plastic boxes of chicken. No chicken tenders this time. Just some parts of fried chicken. 

I gave that chicken a look. No. It wasn't looking back at me. That wasn't the scary part. I picked up a couple boxes to peer under the label and see what pieces were inside. You may recall my bad experience pulling chicken off the bone to add to leftovers, and finding more breading than meat. So I wanted to guestimate whether this chicken was a good option. The first box I picked up held one breast and one thigh (or maybe a smaller breast). I considered it for a second, and then glanced at the price.

$14.87!

Are you still with me? I forgot to warn you to put the smelling salts on a ribbon around your neck, lest you faint and your head fall down to your chest. That's outrageous! A whole chicken, even a fried 8-piece chicken from the deli, does not cost as much as those two pieces! The 8-piece used to be $8.99, but I think it's $9.99 now. What in the NOT-HEAVEN were they thinking? Did someone make a mistake? Or were they trying to sell it by the pound? I bet lobster doesn't cost that much! 

I don't always look at prices. I'm certainly glad I didn't throw this in my cart! I looked at a couple other boxes. One had a breast, thigh, wing, and leg. I think it was a little over $7. That's stupid. You could walk around and get FRESHer fried chicken, a whole 8 pieces, for not much more. I did NOT buy any chicken that day. I went home and made myself a chicken bowl with leftovers.

Okay. I'm assuming you survived that heart-stopping moment. So we'll move on a few aisles, to the olives. I must have green olives on hand in case I find the pinwheels. My pantry only had one spare jar, so I went for more of the kind I got for $1. Only now they were $1.38.[That's not the horror.] Still, pretty cheap compared to the bigger jars, by ounce. They were the whole olive, with the pimento inside. Not crushed salad olives. I reached my hand to pick up a jar, and GASPED audibly. 

THE JAR IN FRONT HAD TWO LAYERS OF BLACK OLIVES ON TOP!

We're not talking about the black olives I use for nachos and taco salads. We're talking about green olives that are rotten! Some of the liquid was gone. I'm guessing the top wasn't sealed, and they rotted. But that would seem to require a long time. So I don't know what was going on with that jar of bad olives, but I definitely did not want to touch it. I used other jars to move it around, and select two good jars for myself.

No, I did not take that jar up front and complain. Let somebody else do that. You'd think whichever stock boy faces the shelves on that aisle would notice! It wasn't there the last time I bought olives, which was probably two weeks previous.

That concludes our double feature. I hope you weren't in the middle of a meal of fried chicken and green olives.