Sunday, October 23, 2011

The Purveyor Of Devilish Wares

My faithful companion, The Pony, assisted me this morning in my assault on The Devil's Playground. He's not so much my sherpa as he is my trusty scout. Like Deets in Lonesome Dove. I send him ahead to look for items, to save me a few steps. Sometimes he is instructed to retrieve them for me.

The Pony is generally good at bringing back what he's sent after. He's no Lassie, despite the length of his knee hair, but he gets the job done more often than not. With one minor issue.

A purveyor of more dented, squashed, leaky, misshapen, opened, bruised, or expired products you'll never find than Pony. He's like a damaged-merchandise magnet. He doesn't mean to grab the worst wares off the shelf. But he does.

Today he was sent to procure a bottle of Axe Shock Body Wash for the #1 son's shower needs. The Pony has performed this duty before. He knows the location, the shape, the color, and the title of this product. Off he went. He found me perusing the Pepcid Complete aisle, which has been bereft of Pepcid Complete for nigh on a year now. He handed over his find. I absentmindedly held out my hand and put it in the cart. It felt a bit sticky, but I let it go.

Upon unpacking The Devil's bags back at the Mansion, I noticed a strong perfumy odor from the bag containing six cans of Ol' Roy puppy chicken. Further investigation revealed a blue bottle of Axe Shock Body Wash with a rivulet of congealed body wash snaking down the back side of the bottle like the ick-worthy treasure trail of David Spade as Joe Dirt, when he tried to seduce Jaime Pressly as Jill (you're my sister!) at the carnival.

It's a sad, shocking day when you have to axe a sticky stain off the side of The Devil's body wash before it can be used to wash a body.

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