Friday, March 29, 2013

Make It Stop! I Beseech You, Make It Stop!

The HORROR!

Just last week, I had to sit through a twenty-minute discussion of solar panels, insulation, tax incentives, yearly electric bills, and heating systems during my lunch break. That's because my two lunch companions and I were too dull to come up with our own stimulating topic to tune those other
 two out. Wednesday, the unthinkable happened.

The lunch discussion centered on mattresses. The instigator of the great debate was none other than the tablemate I had confided in concerning my desire to plunge two sharp Ticonderoga #2s into my eardrums over the go-green routine last week. Her betrayal was like a knife through my heart. Or like a broken mattress spring through my rib cage. WHYYYYYY?

It was a regular Bubba Gump Mattress Company brainstorming session at the teacher table. We had memory foam, foam topper, cooling coils, Sealy Posturepedic, Sleep Number, extra firm, soft, Simmons Beautyrest, Tempur-Pedic, no sore back in the morning, four free pillows, water pillows, AAGGHHHHH! I could hardly stand it. I turned to the topic-introducer and hissed, "Remember when I told you last week that I wanted to jam finely-sharpened pencils into my ears? I'm feeling that way right now!"

She merely shrugged and said, "I'm sorry."

If there's one image I don't want in my noggin, it's that of my various and assorted colleagues flopping about on mattresses.

2 comments:

Sioux said...

How about flopping around on a water bed? Is that a more pleasant image? Your colleagues riding that undulating wave, over and over, the slosh of the water as the mattress hits the frame complementing the never-ending droning.

Did they discuss pillowtop mattresses? How about the mattresses that--when you buy a set--results in the customer getting a free little sheep? That is quite an attractive incentive.
How about the importance of a mattress protector?

It sounds like there is enough as-yet-uncovered material that another discussion could take place next week.

I'll just suggest it to them...

Hillbilly Mom said...

Sioux,
I'll have you know, Madam, that I, myself, am well-versed in the wave-riding of waterbeds. AND I refrained from subjecting my colleagues to that pertinent fact.

I do believe that pillowtop mattresses were mentioned. I am trying to block the whole episode from memory, so I must have neglected to mention it.

I am SO liking the sheep idea. If only I could link a cute little sheep to my handbaskets, I could bestow one upon my customers as added incentive to patronize my proposed factory.