Just last week, I had to sit through a twenty-minute discussion of solar panels, insulation, tax incentives, yearly electric bills, and heating systems during my lunch break. That's because my two lunch companions and I were too dull to come up with our own stimulating topic to tune those other
two out. Wednesday, the unthinkable happened.
The lunch discussion centered on mattresses. The instigator of the great debate was none other than the tablemate I had confided in concerning my desire to plunge two sharp Ticonderoga #2s into my eardrums over the go-green routine last week. Her betrayal was like a knife through my heart. Or like a broken mattress spring through my rib cage. WHYYYYYY?
It was a regular Bubba Gump Mattress Company brainstorming session at the teacher table. We had memory foam, foam topper, cooling coils, Sealy Posturepedic, Sleep Number, extra firm, soft, Simmons Beautyrest, Tempur-Pedic, no sore back in the morning, four free pillows, water pillows, AAGGHHHHH! I could hardly stand it. I turned to the topic-introducer and hissed, "Remember when I told you last week that I wanted to jam finely-sharpened pencils into my ears? I'm feeling that way right now!"
She merely shrugged and said, "I'm sorry."
If there's one image I don't want in my noggin, it's that of my various and assorted colleagues flopping about on mattresses.