Something's Rotten In Mrs. Hillbilly Mom's Room

The next Semi-Weekly Meeting of the Newmentia Lunchtime Think Tank can’t come soon enough. There is a vital topic I am putting on the agenda for discussion:

Whose idea was it to serve tacos on Tuesday, and chili crispitos on Wednesday?

The perpetrator of such a cruel prank is obviously somebody who does not serve time in the trenches. The classrooms. The hermetically-sealed classrooms where faculty must stay, locked in, with the student bodies for 50-minute stretches. Without a self-contained breathing apparatus.

Mrs. Hillbilly Mom nearly lost consciousness this afternoon. Even though it is her policy not to breathe through her nose while at work…a plume of Pepe de Pew odor snaked its way into her nostrils, adhering to the tender mucosa like Seinfeld-valet-parker-BO to the lovely tresses of Elaine Benes. Let the record show that Mrs. Hillbilly Mom was not at liberty to snort tomato juice.

SWEET GUMMI MARY! It was all I could do not to gag. I think my eyes watered as well. Nor could I walk to the cabinet and grab two cans of Febreeze (different fragrances), twirl them like a gunslinger, and spritz about the classroom. That might be construed as bullying behavior by the little stinker.

One class entered, and a lad exclaimed, “This room smells like a sock!” Well. A sock that has been stuffed into the rectum of a decaying wildebeest, perhaps. But not a normal sock that I have ever encountered. Not even one from the legendary StinkFoot, as Sir Talks A Lot once termed one of his charges.

As a teacher of the sciences, Mrs. Hillbilly Mom appreciates the fact that her students have healthy digestive systems. It’s just that the rest of us don’t need to know the extent of the healthiness. A healthiness so healthy that the possessor must surely be written up in the annals (heh, heh, see what I did there?) of internal medicine. The healthiest healther who ever healthed. Probably next in line to give feces transplants to the lower-digestive-tract compromised, those who need healthy feces to counteract a raging nursing-home/hospital diarrhea bug.

Yes, the Newmentia Lunchtime Think Tank will surely address this issue at the next meeting. I plan to schedule it for chili day.