Friday, June 1, 2018

Caution: Old People Blog

I guess I might just as well re-name my blog The OPB. Like my OPC (Old People Chair). Only this would be The Old People Blog. Where we come together to discuss our rheumatism, which tennis ball brand is best for putting on the feet of our walker, where to mail-order the coziest shawls, and how the world is going to not-heaven in a handbasket.

You may recall that Mrs. Hillbilly Mom had a routine 6-month doctor nurse practitioner appointment last Monday. That was May 21st. I got refills on my prescriptions. Nothing good. Just for blood pressure and my mostly-missing thyroid. While I was there, the doc NP said to go up to the lab and give some blood, that he'd have a mail-order poop test sent to my home in lieu of a colonoscopy, and that the lab would be calling me to schedule a mammogram. Yeah. I felt like a car going in for a tune-up.

I've already given you the longed-for (don't deny it, I know at least ONE of you has an inquiring mind, right Madam?) details on the mammogram and the poop box. I had the mammogram on Saturday the 26th. And sent back the poop box on Tuesday the 29th. In fact, it was when I got home after seeing off my poop box that I got THE LETTER.

THE LETTER was from the hospital. It almost ruined what was left of my day. Here it was, going on 3:00, and I was just getting ready to prepare my usual lunch of Chicken Bacon Ranch pinwheels with a side of barbecue potato chips. Now I had THE LETTER hanging over my head. You know how it is. After you've had a mammogram, and you're waiting for the results. Nothing to worry about, right? But you're on edge until you get it.

Dang it! I figured I might as well open that letter. Because if I didn't, my lunch was going to be ruined with worry in the back of my mind. And if I opened it, there was a 50/50 chance my lunch would be ruined with worry.

Aha! Just as I'd feared. "The radiology department recommends that you call our department for a baseline diagnostic mammogram." Indeed. They wanted me to repeat my mammogram. But that was a funny way to put it. When that happened to me back in '05, the letter clearly said to call for a REPEAT mammogram. Huh.

I got to looking over that letter again. Well. It was dated May 24th. Let's see...that was on a THURSDAY! So I hadn't even been there yet for my recent mammogram! So I had already, in fact, scheduled and endured this mammogram the radiologist was recommending! Because mine was on the 26th, so they couldn't have sent a letter for a REPEAT mammogram if I hadn't even had one yet.

Whew! Lunch was pretty good that day. And even better on Wednesday, when the gal from the doctor's nurse practitioner's office called to tell me the results of my mammogram were normal, and the doctor nurse practitioner wanted to repeat it in one year.

Oh, yeah. The same day I got the mammogram letter, I also got a letter from the poop box people, telling me how to send it back. Too late! I'd just returned from sending it back. It had come with instructions inside, you know.

No wonder health care costs so much!


Sioux Roslawski said...

You are a rare specimen. So many people fail to read instructions.

But then you already knew that, being a former teacher and all.

River said...

I can see where those letters would be confusing and fear inducing for those who don't read and follow instructions. Thank goodness you're not one of those people.

Hillbilly Mom said...

I know what you're calling me, Madam! SPECIMEN indeed!

Instructions are wasted on 90% of the population. Which includes 100% of men.

I generally read them. Making sense of them is another matter.