Anyhoo...a couple evenings ago, I had my under-desk heater cranked up, basking in the warmth like my tuxedo cat Stockings sprawled out in the sun on the back porch deck. My mellow innernetting was rudely interrupted by an intruder. No. It was not Farmer H.
The interloper was airborne, buzzing lazily around my head, swooping right into my face, yet stopping short of actually landing on me. Sometimes, Drosophila melanogaster pays me a visit. That's not a foreign dignitary, taking time out of ruling his country to drop in on Mrs. HM and pay his respects. No. Not at all. It's the genus and species name for FRUIT FLIES. I studied them in college, you know. For genetics. Tracking their eye color. Not as romantic as it sounds.
Anyhoo...this unwelcome guest was NOT a fruit fly. It was a common house fly. I'm too lazy to look up its genus and species. That's not on the tip of my tongue like the fruit fly. Buzzy had to land and sit still for me to identify him, though. Once that happened, I flew into a murderous rage! And by murderous rage, I mean that I slothfully cast my eyes around my lair, seeking a weapon, rather than stand up and walk out to my OPC (Old People Chair), where a flyswatter resides on the lamp table.
Yes, Buzzy landed on my empty paper plate. On a box of envelopes that I use for sending letters to Genius and The Pony. On my winning scratch-off tickets. On my note cards. On a stack of papers on New Delly's computer tower, relating to my poop test bill (quite appropriate).
While Buzzy was showing off, I had picked up my weapon of 2nd choice.
I actually took a newer picture of this old ruler, but this one is better. I've had it since before the boys were born. The ruler, not the picture. Maybe since my first year of teaching. So it's in its late 20s, at least.
I took some swipes at Buzzy each time he landed, marveling at my lightning-quick reflexes. I came close twice. Once he lit on the poop test papers, I laid the smack down on him, and knocked him right off that computer tower! I hadn't thought I connected, yet there was Buzzy, doing a parabolic arc into the air, and down behind New Delly's monitor.
Of course I didn't go looking for him. It's not like I'm performing surgery at my desk, and need sterile conditions. I was just happy that Buzzy had quit buzzing my head, and went on innernetting.
Five minutes later, I noticed Buzzy dragging himself to the forefront. Onto the rectangular metal base that supports New Delly's monitor. For a moment I marveled at his death throes. Then I finished him off with half a Bounty Select-A-Size paper towel.
I still consider my exalted ruler to be the actual murder weapon.
6 comments:
Was he just buzzing around annoying you or was there an actual buzzing sound? because the buzzer is what we call a blowfly. They're the ones who lay eggs in meat or other suitable foods and before you know it there's a room full of fat maggots wriggling in all directions. Sometimes they don't even need food, just lay those maggots as they die. I hate them. Normal house flies don't buzz, they're silent and fruit flies are a different type altogether, searching out things like tomatoes on the vine and fruit on trees so that when you pick them and slice them all you see are wriggling larvae instead of delicious slices of tomato or whatever. Here in Australia fruit fly needs to be reported as soon as you see any, they're pretty rare in SA, and you are instructed to bin all the fruit and not give any away to friends or neighbours until the fruit fly people give you the all clear after checking the traps they've set, usually about three months after not catching any of the flies.
Also blow flies are larger than the average housefly, and have iridescent shine on their fat bodies.
Val--1, Buzzy--0!
No actual buzzing, or I would have realized immediately that he was a fly. I've seen the blowflies, which I think party on the neighbors' horses' poop. Thankfully, none of them have made it into the Mansion.
The fruit flies I think come from Farmer H's bananas, which he won't toss out when they get spotted brown. I don't let them get mushy or anything, but once the spots show up, we seem to get a couple of fruit flies. I guess a pair made it down to my lair, because I don't have anything there that would appeal to them. Unless they're like freaky ants who live in electronics!
Your fruit fly regulations amaze me!
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fishducky,
I'm hoping to go undefeated!
I'm guessing you mean those tiny brown/black midgy things that appear when fruit is getting over ripe. They're not what I mean when I say fruit flies. I made the mistake when you mentioned fruit flies, not thinking you probably meant the midges/gnats.
Real fruit flies are a threat to the farming/orchard industries and our control measures are pretty severe, because one unreported outbreak can sweep the area pretty quickly.
River,
Yes, I DID mean the gnats. They're kind of a gray color flying around, unless you look at them under a microscope and see that some of them have vermilion eyes.
That makes more sense now. You must have a kind of fly that we don't have here in Missouri.
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