Terrible Cuts was not at all busy yesterday. Can you believe that? I'm sure you can, if you've been getting out and seeing the state of the coiffures on random Hillmombans. I swear, it's more frightening than looking out over an auditorium full of heads at a teachers' convention!
I did my scratcher business before the haircut. That's because I will always be a procrastinator. Who knows, the New Madrid Fault could have ruptured during that delay, forcing me to postpone my haircut due to the Mississippi River flowing backwards again, and possible even causing a tsunami reaching all the way to the Creach!
Anyhoo... when I came out of the School-Turn Casey's, I did the online check-in with Terrible Cuts. My wait time was 0 MINUTES! I spurred T-Hoe in gear, and off we went for the two miles to my shearing. I carried my mask in hand to the front door, where a handwritten sign was taped proclaiming MASKS MANDATORY. I slipped into something less comfortable, that being my Kansas City Chiefs logo mask, and went inside.
The gal behind the register asked if I'd check in. I could clearly see my name, the ONLY ONE on the computer monitor by the register. But I couldn't understand what she was saying. So I tapped my ear, and said, "WHAT?" She repeated, through her fruity print white mask, and I got it. Off we went to the back corner of the salon. NOBODY PUTS HILLBILLY MOM IN A CORNER! Except the Terrible Cuts Gal who is about to get elbow-deep into her lovely lady-mullet.
TCG must have had nerves of steel not to laugh at the state of my bob. Which was no longer a bob, but more of a BLOB. Oh, who are we kidding? TCG was probably smiling like The Joker. I just couldn't tell, behind her mask.
She sheared off about 3 inches of tail, about 2 inches of sideburns, and a humongous hank of topknot. My mask kept slipping as I talked, so I'd jab at the bottom of it with my plastic drop-cloth-encased fist. TCG said she had hers held in place with a bobby-pin. I don't know what she had it pinned to! Her skin? Her hair? The whiskers on her chinny-chin-chin?
Anyhoo... she was efficient with the scissors and the small talk. Which was about our dogs loving the cooler temps a few days ago. She has a female beagle mix that her son made her take at a yard sale. She really appreciates her indoor beagle/terrier during the school year, because all she has to do is open her kids' doors and the dog wakes them up. She does not enjoy it as much on the weekends...
TCG was mad about going into Dollar Tree with her mask, and looking around to notice that NO ONE ELSE was wearing one, despite their sign on the door. So she took it off. We're just not mask fans around Hillmomba. Only the very vocal doom-criers on Facebook seem to give a crap.
My not-so-Terrible Cut was over before I knew it. I even tipped TCG double, because the experience was virtually painless, and I figured she probably needed it more than I did, what with business being slow lately.
Now I'm good for another six months...
4 comments:
David Spade is fond of the mullets. In 4-5 months, perhaps you could contact him about starring in a movie together. A new version of "Twins"? "Dumb (Spade) and Slumber (you, since you like to stay up late and sleep in)"? "Joe Shirk" (since you continue to be successful at shirking your should-be-still-present-tense teaching duties)?
Wasn't Lotus Flower the 2nd wife? It's been over 50 years since I read that book.
And is the friend salivating over Farmer H's meat? (heh heh)
TCG probably fixes a hairpin to the elastic ear loop of her mask, then clips it to her hair. I wore a mask on the bus last week, to go to the two-dollar store, known here as Cheap-as-Chips, even though all products aren't two dollars. The cheap part is the quality, but if you don't mind that it's all good.
Sioux 1,
I love David Spade. I wonder if the mullet has anything to do with it? I just watched Grown Ups 2 a couple days ago. David's character had a beefy illegitimate son, who he was denying on the phone call from the mom, when the kid stepped off the train. One look at him, and he said, "Forget about the paternity test." Apparently, mullets are genetic.
One of my favorites is "Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star." It's kind of a mullet-lite hairstyle in this one. Maybe I could do "Hillbilly Mom: Former Teaching Star."
***
Sioux 2,
Yes, Lotus Flower was the concubine! With her tiny bound feet!
I don't know about meat salivation, but I'm pretty sure Farmer H asked to see her STRIP!
***
River,
Sounds pretty much like our Dollar Tree, Dollar Store, and Family Dollar!
Post a Comment