Sunday, October 20, 2013

I Need To Shove Money In Her Hand And Tell Her To Buy Me A Lottery Ticket

My mom, like her mother before her, is one lucky duck.

Seems like every time Grandma went to bingo, she won money and/or prizes. It got to the point where some family connections whispered suspicions that perhaps Grandma's vision wasn't what it used to be, and she was confused, and only THOUGHT she had bingoed. But seriously. They check those cards before handing over prizes, don't they? In any case, Grandma practically needed a trailer to haul her winnings home. She was generous to a fault, and gave most of it away. The fun was in the winning.

Friday, The Pony spent the night with Mom. She picked him up after school, got him settled with a tall ceramic portable heater, since she keeps her house at 67 degrees, and took off down the road to the grand opening of her neighbor's craft shop. No mention was made of any hedgeapple gewgaws for sale or barter. This is the neighbor who thinks she knows who left the mysterious three bags of hedgeapples on Mom's porch.

At the grand opening, Neighbor asked visitors to put their names in a box for a drawing. There were to be three prizes: a gift certificate, something nobody remembers, and the grand prize, a quilt rack. Mom and one of her old lady friends from up the road in the other direction were the first two to arrive. "Put your names in the box! Make sure you register to win a prize!" The old lady friend did as told. Mom, not so much. She's funny like that.

"Oh, I don't want a prize. You save your prizes for somebody else. I don't need anything." Still, Neighbor insisted. Several times. So Mom grabbed a piece of paper and quickly scribbled a name. Everybody visited and viewed the merchandise. Mom was home within an hour to get ready to watch the Cardinals in the playoff game.

Around 8:30-9:00, the phone rang. "Hey! It's Neighbor. We had our drawing tonight, and I just wanted to let you know that So-and-So won the gift certificate, and So-and-So won that second prize, and then it came time for the grand prize. I told my daughter to draw the name, because I had drawn the other two, and I didn't want anybody to think I was cheating. She reached in and drew a paper and got a funny look. 'Who is it?' I asked her. And she said, 'Well...the grand prize winner is...Miss Dot. Didn't she say she didn't want to win? Maybe we should draw another name.' And I told her, 'No. That is the grand prize winner.' So I'm calling to tell you that you won the quilt rack."

Mom is less than thrilled. "What am I going to do with a quilt rack? Do you need one?"

"I already have a quilt rack. Right now it's under the bedroom window covered with a quilt and a couple of pairs of jeans and a lot of belts."

"I know you have another quilt here that I'm keeping for you. Maybe you could use it for that."

"No. I don't really have the room right now."

"Well, I guess I'll find something to do with it. I wish she hadn't given it to me. I TOLD her I didn't want to win anything."

I'm a weirdo magnet. My mom is a prize magnet."


Sioux said...

You could have a raffle at your book signing (when is it?) and with each book sold, a ticket is given...

That would probably put buyers in a frenzy. Of course, your books alone would make your fans act like sharks in a chum tank.

Hillbilly Mom said...

To date, I have sold 8 books. Not one person requested that I sign them. Ain't that a kick in the head? And two of them said, "I'm surprised you put something like that in a book."

I'm lucky they don't require this ol' School Marm to lodge with a family in the district, remain an old maid, and wear a bonnet and granny boots. As well as a long dress, of course.

No, it wouldn't do to give away a quilt rack. Somebody might ask me why I don't just sell quilts.