Monday, October 7, 2013

The Milk Carton Is Not Appropriate

Has anybody here seen Sweet Baby Ray
Can you tell me where he's gone
He fed a lot of people
But is seems the good they run out
I just looked in Frig, and he was gone

Sweet Baby Ray is missing!

One might hope that Sweet Baby Ray is the guest of honor on a tour of neighborhood bars, like one town's missing Baby Jesus a few years back. Or that Sweet Baby Ray took off on an adventure like that kid in Baby's Day Out. Or that Sweet Baby Ray is off making eTrades on an airplane. But the sad truth is that Sweet Baby Ray is gone, gone, gone. Without a trace.

Sweet Baby Ray actually disappeared twice. The first time at the hands of one Farmer H, of Hillmomba, Missouri. Sweet Baby Ray was last seen chillin' on the second door-shelf of Frig. Next thing you know, Sweet Baby Ray was digesting comfortably in the stomachs of HM, The Pony, #1, and the perpetrator himself, Farmer H.

Sweet Baby Ray, we hardly knew ye. So sorry to consume you like common cannibals. We knew not what we did. Farmer H set us upon that path. A regular Donner Party ringleader he would have been. A griller of special barbecue at the Whistle Stop Cafe. Oh. Wait. A griller of special barbecue at the Hillbilly Mansion.

Sweet Baby Ray came to live with us at the behest of my mom. He was to be under the guidance of the #1 son. Who took his eye off Sweet Baby Ray for only several days, resulting in his babyraynapping. Farmer H disposed of the carcass in a black trash bag in a tall blue kitchen wastebasket in a Mansion sided with cedar in the rolling hills and plunging sinkholes of Hillmomba. Under intense questioning, Farmer H revealed his motive: "Nobody told me not to."

As with all royal families having an heir and a spare, the Hillbilly household stashed an understudy in the wings within days of Sweet Baby Ray's original disappearance. This one was also named Sweet Baby Ray, in the spirit of George Foreman and his sons: George Foreman, George Foreman, George Foreman, George Foreman, and George Foreman.

Sweet Baby Ray is missing!

Sweet Baby Ray was last seen laying on the bottom of a box on the long couch in the Mansion living room. Trying to evade Farmer H, perhaps. It is believed that Sweet Baby Ray rode around the grounds of Hillmomba in the back of a Gator, and partied hearty at a bonfire down by the creek. Some say Sweet Baby Ray is off to seek higher education at an engineering institution in the heartland.

Time will tell. And Farmer H, if tortured.


Sioux said...

You were feeling a little Dion last night?

Hillbilly Mom said...

How dare you presume to know where my hands were last night, Madam!