Farmer H's Hillbilly Charm Academy

Have I mentioned one of the new side ventures at the proposed handbasket factory/Little Barbershop of Horrors conglomerate? The finishing school for young men, Farmer H's Hillbilly Charm Academy? Gone are the days when a young hillbilly can capture a purty li'l gal without the aid of an experienced woman-catcher like Farmer H. He knows what today's discriminating woman looks for in a mate. And he's willing to teach your boy young 'un the ropes, for a one-time fee yet to be determined. Your eager sprout will be schooled in the following heretofore little-known tactics enumerated below.

Potato Chip Guzzle. When you take your honey to a casino for a rip-snortin' weekend of togetherness, make sure you know proper manners for an indoor sidewalk cafe. After eating your club sandwich, grab that individual container of chips that came with it, tilt your head back, and shake shake shake, shake your bag thing. Make sure to get every crumb. Women don't like wasteful guys.

Sweetener Packet Tooth Pick. After an evening of dining in a fine restaurant like Lambert's Cafe, Home of the Throwed Roll, pick up an empty artificial sweetener packet and use the corner to go to town on those strings of meat imbedded between your teeth. Women like a guy with a hearty appetite and good oral hygiene.

Finger-Lickin'. Chinese buffets are a good place to practice this skill. After eating a barbecued chicken wing, make sure to suck the sauce off each of your four fingers. Don't forget the thumb! Make that loud suction popping noise after each digit. The great thing about practicing at the Chinese buffet is that you can have unlimited tries to get it right without additional cost. Women like a thrifty guy with clean fingers.

Sidewindin' Snoop Eye. Don't believe that old adage about how it's not polite to stare. You can stare to your heart's content. You never know when you might need to protect your woman from some freak. Just don't get caught lookin'. You don't want somebody a-hollerin' "Take a picture! It'll last longer!" That tends to break the romantic mood when you're shellin' out good cash on a date. All you have to do is shift your eyes. Hold your head perfectly still, but let your eyes track left and right like a portrait in a cartoon haunted house. Women like a guy who will protect them from freaks.

Gaseous Emissions. Just like Kramer told George and Jerry that it's unnatural, perhaps even damaging, to hold in pee in a parking garage...so is it unnatural to hold in gas. You could explode! Which tends to ruin a date. By all means, let it fly. So what if you ate a pound of raw onions at the lunchtime salad bar? Sometimes a gal just might like to play detective and guess what you had for lunch. She might even try to figure it out later in the evening, while you're driving home from the movies. Lean a little sideways, then say, "Ahhhhh." She'll perk right up. Women like healthy guys who take care of their insides.

Farmer H's Hillbilly Charm Academy. Enrolling now for classes later.