Thursday, September 1, 2016

Sock It On Me!

Sometimes, lives tend to parallel and intertwine, much like the antics of Jerry, George, Kramer, and Elaine on an episode of Seinfeld.

Blog buddy Sioux rode with The Pony and Mrs. HM to a writer's conference in July. Funny how we both retired from the public school system in May, although Sioux, always chasing the big bucks and cushy perks bestowed upon such revered employees, turned right around and dived into education again. Maybe that's how she hurt her knee.

Funny, how we were discussing painful knees while waiting for the next conference session. Sioux is the one who brought up how old folks rock back and forth several times before arising. Right before Mrs. HM rocked back and forth several times in order to get up from the inches-from-the-ground cushioned blocky chair she had fallen into.

Funny, too, how Sioux was just the other day touting the benefits of putting a sock on what ails ye! A sock filled with rice warmed in the microwave, to ease those aching knees. Well. Mrs. Hillbilly Mom has an old electric heater under her corner countertop desk in her dark basement lair, which heats her knees just fine. But she appreciated Sioux's info, and the almost-title of her post. Because on that very morning, Mrs. HM had taken a sock OFF what ailed her!

Here's the proof:

Don't be afraid! It's not a boa constrictor. You're not in danger. That's just a big ol' Doc Ortho sock, which Mrs. HM has put on each early-morning and taken off each morning for the past three days. What's so strange about that, you might ask. Well, let me tell you! That sock wasn't on her foot. No siree, Bob! That sock was on Mrs. HM's hand, of course. Because there's something funky going on with the inside edge of her left ring finger. No. It has nothing to do with a ring. Mrs. HM doesn't even wear rings. And it's NOT so she can catch another man just like Farmer H.

Yep, something has gone all wonky with that finger-side. It's even on the fingertip. I could be a spy, probably, because my prints will be messed up. That fingertip gets all dried out and wrinkly like when you sit in a bathtub for too long. Only dry. Not moist. The finger. Not the tub. So...the best remedy is to put some Vaseline on it overnight. I had some in a little rectangular plastic jar from about 25 years ago. It still works.

All you have to do is slather some of that Vaseline on your finger, and put a sock on your hand overnight. That way your bedclothes don't get oily, and your skin can marinate for at least 4-5 hours (if you sleep like Mrs. Hillbilly Mom).

With all the expert advice from Sioux and Mrs. HM, I'd be surprised if you ever have to go back to a health professional again. I don't know about her, but I'm pretty willing to jab you with needles and perhaps carve out minor organs if the pay is right. Of course, Sioux has a new cushy job, so she might not want to climb down from her pedestal and get her hands dirty.

I'm here if you need me. Just call 1 HIL LMO MBA1.


fishducky said...

What do you consider a MINOR organ?

Hillbilly Mom said...

Any of the vestigials. According to my estranged BFF Google, that would be the appendix, sinuses, wisdom teeth, coccyx (heh, heh, I said coccyx!), outer ear, tonsils, and male nipples.

Kind of hard to list all that on the shingle I plan to hang out on my soon-to-be-requested, Farmer-H-crafted, custom-built shack:

Mrs. Hillbilly Mom's One-Stop Old-Wives Remedy and Surgery Shop, ~Outpatients Only~

You'll choose me, won't you? For all your minor surgery needs? Not that dirty-handed, pedestal layabout Sioux. Right? Are you with me?

Kathy's Klothesline said...

Vaseline never goes bad. I put it on my rough heels and then put socks on. Not because I care so much about the sheets, but because my dogs will lick it off my feet ......

Hillbilly Mom said...

I'm sure it wouldn't have hurt your dogs to eat the Vaseline. Farmer H said his dad used to make him and his brothers swallow a spoonful of Vicks VapoRub when they had a cold. That's just a spicier version of Vaseline, right?

Sioux said...

I always soak my feet in warm water and then while they're still damp, I slather the vaseline on and then the sock.

Hey! Are you trying to poach customers from me?

Hillbilly Mom said...

Well...Madam...if the sock fits...