Sunday, October 28, 2012

Oliver Wendell Douglas Would Fit Right In

A perk of living the country life in Hillmomba is that the citizenry is relatively safe from harm.

Sure, there's the occasional low-flying helicopter or two that may hover over your Mansion around 10:00 p.m. Or thieves who steal your outgoing bills from your mailbox and write their name in place of Dish Network and then cash the check. Or roving portable meth-labbers who dump their paraphernalia on your gravel road at 3:00 in the afternoon. Or those two folks last week who discharged firearms into the walls of neighboring apartments. But with the exception of occasional accidental heroin overdoses, Hillmombans generally survive until they expire of old age.

The law enforcement officials pass the time by setting up speed traps behind the local high school. And by searching vehicles in which the driver has nodded off over the steering wheel, usually at a stop sign, or in the parking lot of The Devil's Playground. Which cuts down on the accidental deaths by heroin overdose.

You know when you pick up a pizza at Casey's General Store, and see two town police cars at a nearby apartment complex, that your chances of being apprehended for speeding when you let your T-Hoe coast at 50 mph in a 45 mph zone on the way to the city limit sign have just been reduced two-thirds.

Country livin' is the life for me.


Sioux said...

"Land, spreadin' out so far and wide..."

Yes, I'm sure when you see the two police cars occupied with something else, you take off and do wheelies in the T-Hoe, smug and safe.

You had a meth-labber dump some stuff in your gravel road? Was it Walter White? If it was, tell him "hi" for me the next time you see him, and tell him I feel for the conundrum he's in. And tell him I think he should change to boxer shorts. Let the boys go free a bit. (But then, I'm only in the middle of the second season so far. I have several seasons more until I catch up.)

Kathy's Klothesline said...

If my kampground didn't already have a name on the state logo signs that I spend nearly $2000 annually on, I would change it to Green Acres ........ No, can't do that. We had a murder here in the kampground a few years back. I don't advertise it, though. Not true what they say about any publicity being good!

I didn't murder anyone. Just thought I should add that. Just in case you were wondering.

Hillbilly Mom said...

There's nothing else to do in Hillmomba.

I don't feel comfortable discussing "the boys" with Mr. White. It was not he who dumped the meth lab. That fellow absconded forthwith.

However, I would have felt comfortable several years ago, discussing Mr. White's middle son Malcolm, or his dental practice known for hanky-panky and the re-gifting of Label Baby Juniors. That guy has had many an alias, you know.

Good call on not advertising the murder. Have you applied for MENSA yet? ;)