Tuesday, October 30, 2012

The Re-Gruntling of Mrs. Hillbilly Mom

I have a bone to pick.

"Oh, Mrs. Hillbilly Mom," you say, "that is SO unlike you!" Yes. I must take a break from my cotton candy world of unicorns and kittens and heave a heavy load off my chest. Stop with all the namby-pamby political correctness and say what you mean, by cracky! Do not be afraid of hurting somebody's nose-disjointed feelings, or of making somebody madder than a wet hen. You can't please all of the people all of the time. So stop trying. The meeks are inheriting your wishy-washyness!

Allow me, if I may, to speak for the meeks. THEY'RE not going to try and stop me. They're meeks, for cryin' out loud!

Ahem! Tap tap tap! Is this thing on? Here's the deal. If we all need to take a CPR course, just tell us that from the get-go. Don't start all apologetic-like with a form to fill out for those working after-school programs, a form wanting to know the maximum level of education achieved, and which programs you work how often, and when your CPR certification expired. Because you can bet that one of the meeks who doesn't work any extra programs will timidly raise a hand and ask if everybody should fill out a form, whether they work extra programs or not. And that meek will expect an answer. Not a shrug and an inquisition like, "You don't work any after-school programs?" until that meek replies that perhaps the meeks can fill out a form anyway, just to have on file.

Furthermore, don't profess that nobody is being paid for the two hours of school-hosted CPR training because, in essence, you are doing us a favor, allowing us the chance to earn huge dollar amounts through Career Ladder or special grants by meeting this requirement in order to supervise those after-school programs. You are kowtowing to the agenda of the squeaky wheels. Every one of us knows that our contract contains a clause that requires us to perform extra duties as needed. We have to stay for insurance meetings, and nobody is paid for their time. We have impromptu faculty meetings as issues arise, and nobody is paid for their time. It's not like we have a union to put you over a barrel and picket until you give in. We know that nobody has to pay us for this time.

Likewise, make it clear that everybody is expected to participate. You never know when a goofy hipster doofus might try to wash her hair in the faculty restroom, and get her head stuck under the spigot. Don't let that gray area seep into the meeting room and curl up into a ball on the shiny, laminated wood tabletop like a cat taking a nap. Because then a meek will have to come right out and ask, to be certain, "So if I don't work any before or after school programs, I don't have to come to the CPR training?" That makes it rather jarring when you forcefully announce, "The Head Guy wants ALL faculty certified in CPR." Alrighty then. You should have just said that in the first place. Here's a little hint for next time. All faculty members are expected to attend the mandatory CPR training in the main campus cafetorium from 3:00 to 5:00 on Octovember 32, 2020. There. See how easy that was?

I think I might have a future traveling the state and hosting workshops on Speaking for Meeks.


Sioux said...

Well, teachers make such nosebleed-high salaries AND they get off every summer. They should be grateful to do something like CPR training on their own time.

Hillbilly Mom said...

I know, right? We're livin' high on the hog. What's a couple hours here and there? It's not like being commanded to come in for two weeks in the summer to work on a project your colleagues neglected for a year, conveniently waiting until you joined their department so they could split the labor three ways instead of two.