Some Vegetables Are More Equal Than Others

From the If That Don't Beat All department:

Today at lunch, the cafeteria ladies served up turkey and gravy and green beans and broccoli and wheat rolls and some kind of fruit salad with apples. That's not remarkable. It's not Thanksgiving yet. But kids like the turkey, so it gets a rotation on the menu. Sure, it's the first time this year. It must be a 2nd Quarter thing. Today was the first day.

Do you notice anything missing from that Thanksgivingy menu? Anything? The kids sure did. There's about to be a revolt. Because kids love their mashed potatoes. Of which they got none. But here's the rub...the cooks had a clandestine stash of mashed potatoes for the teachers! It makes no nevermind to me. I have not partaken of a school lunch all year. I'm still smarting from that time the menu promised chocolate cake. Chocolate Cake which I smelled baking the day before. Chocolate Cake of which I had NONE, after paying for a tray and enduring the other offerings. That's right. The Chocolate Cake cubicle on my plastic lunch tray was bereft of Chocolate Cake. But we're not here to discuss Chocolate Cake now, my friends. It has been barred from the school lunch program. Even though they serve up Pop Tarts and Hostess Powdered Donuts for the free breakfast that every student gets if they wish to go through the line. We are here to discuss SECRET MASHED POTATOES.

Oh, the students caught on. One cook motioned with a sideways crick of her head. Of course it was to a man teacher. Who didn't catch on. And made her go through an Olympic-caliber charade workout, before almost shouting, "Oh! You have mashed potatoes for the teachers?" And she shushed him! That cook shushed Mr. Oblivious for letting out her secret. At the lunch table, the teachers who dared take a styrofoam dessert bowl of mashed potatoes endured the glares, the stares, of pairs of eyes. One teacher offered hers to her son. He wisely refused. Even though I'm sure he died a little inside. Because he knew he would be torn limb from limb before he could enjoy a taste of the starchy nectar of the spud.

According to an expert on the school lunch program, the cooks are only allowed to serve mashed potatoes twice a month to the students. But they can serve rectangular pizzas every single day in the alternate line. I say they should serve mashed potatoes a la carte in the alternate line. The revenue would be off the hook.