Saturday, February 25, 2012


Yes, it's the long-awaited release of Steven Keen's Dreamcrusher! The story of a raggedy band of teachers who tell children the truth, just to watch them cry.

Mr. Know-It-All informs them that Bear Grylls is a phony. He lays that pretty head of his on a pillow in a five-star hotel by night, and is helicoptered to the filming site by day, to act out staged survival skills. Bear Grylls, that is. Not Mr. Know-It-All. He lays his not-pretty head on his desk each night, because everybody knows he lives at school. Man vs. Wild indeed. More like Man-Purses, Mild.

Mrs. Hillbilly Mom inadvertently rubs salt in that wound when she discusses ice caves in glaciers, making a reference to Bear Grylls taking a shortcut through one, and lamenting that the creaking noises represented a dangerous situation, and he wished to get the heck out of Dodge. Or maybe he muttered, "Back to the lodge."

A student firmly plants her hands over her ears in a Hear No Evil gesture, and says, "Do you HAVE to go there? Because just yesterday, Mr. Know-It-All told us Man vs. Wild is fake! And he says WRESTLING is fake, too!

Mrs. Hillbilly Mom responds without thinking. "Oh, wrestling. I've always known that was fake. Even as a kid. But I still liked to watch it. Did you know the wrestlers tape pieces of razor blade to their fingers, and cut themselves across the forehead? It's real blood, but it's fake, see, because they do it to make themselves to look injured."

Feeling kind of bad after seeing the shock on the kids' faces, Mrs. Hillbilly Mom tries to make amends. "Don't tell me you don't know that pickles come from cucumbers, alright? Because one year, I told that to the class, and a girl refused to eat pickles ever again. She thought they grew in the garden."

Mrs. Hillbilly Mom has a flashback to the year she dissected chicken wings with her eighth grade class. The chicken wing is a classic example of the human bicep/forearm structure. You can stick a probe in there and pull on a ligament, and that chicken wing will flex for you. Somehow, the kids are not impressed. In fact, one of them is heard to retch and say, "I'll never eat chicken again!"

Dreamcrusher. Get your copy now, wherever parody books are sold.

*Disclaimer: Steven Keen may or may not be the pen name of anonymous blogger Hillbilly Mom.


Sioux said...

Fine. I can accept that wrestling and Man vs. Wild are fake.

But please don't tell me that the Jerry Springer show is fake. I could not live knowing that!

Hillbilly Mom said...

Sadly, there are some parts of Jerry Springer which I do not believe are fake. We had a student go on there one time. Seriously. It was a long time ago. Something about taking so long to get ready to go out with her friends, always needing perfect make-up. Nothing juicy, like a gender-bending fiance.