Saturday, February 18, 2012

Noxious Vapors Invade The Mansion

I am not sure what Farmer H had for lunch yesterday. But it did not agree with me. To hear him tell it, he spends his Friday lunch hour shopping at the Goodwill store for treasures. Just yesterday, he got a tray to hang on the wall, three salt-and-pepper shaker sets, and something I can't remember. All for the economical sum of $4.00. It would have added up to $5.50, but the woman was either numerically challenged, or liked what she saw, and gave Farmer H a 27 % discount.

Anyhoo...he made no mention of the edible part of lunch. But whatever it was, it gave him a bad case of the vapors. Which conveniently escaped during the overnight hours from between his buttocks. It's a wonder I was not asphyxiated before dawn. No sooner would I drift off to slumberland than I would be awakened by a colossal RRRRIIIIIIIPPPPP. And a contented sigh from Farmer H.

I tried breathing though my mouth. Putting a pillow over my face. Holding my breath. Don't even suggest putting the quilt over my head. That's Dutch oven territory. Suicide, almost.

I would not so much say that it smelled like something crawled up inside Farmer H and died as I would say it crawled up inside Farmer H, vomited, pooped itself, was murdered by a rogue platoon of corn kernels, left to rot for several days, rubbed with a durian sliced in half, marinated in skunk spray, placed in a clay crock and buried on a sunny beach to ferment for two weeks, scraped into a Tupperware container and locked in a broken-down Le Car in a developing country near the equator for one month, and then opened to outgas in Farmer H's intestines last night.

I am searching online in an effort to purchase a military-grade gas mask from a Doomsday Prepper.


Kathy's Klothesline said...

Bad night? Our big offender in that department is Oscar, the fat dachshund. Smells like he ate a skunk. I am always surprised that his vapors are not visible!

Hillbilly Mom said...

I needed a hazmat suit. Like Dustin Hoffman in that movie, Outbreak. Here's a pic...

labbie1 said...

OHMYGOSH!!! That is too funny! I mean the descriptive terms--not the fact that a toxic fume took over your domicile! Too funny!!!!!

Hillbilly Mom said...

Well, I almost had tears streaming from my eyes. But not from laughing.

A sixteen year old boy, after eating school chili for lunch, and two giant bean burritos for supper, would have been green with envy over Farmer H's nocturnal vapors.