Sometimes, when I get nervous, I stick my hands under my armpits, and then I smell them...Whoops! No I don't! That was Mary Katherine Gallagher on SNL.
What I meant to say, was...Sometimes, when people tailgate my T-Hoe, I drive the speed limit just to punish them.
Sometimes, when the girl at the drive-thru bank condescendingly chirps, "Have a nice day!" I drive off without wishing her the same.
Sometimes, if a person is walking in the exit door of The Devil's Playground, I continue with my cart, right at the middle of the door. Because it IS for exiting, you know.
Sometimes, if a student is being particularly trying of my good nature, I think in an invisible thought bubble, "Fifty minutes. How hard can that be? It's not like I have to raise him for 18 years."
Sometimes, when I see an unknown car backing out of my curved, one-eighth-mile-long driveway as I'm pulling in, I stay right in the gravel tracks and make that little car go off in the yard-field. Because it's MY driveway, you see. I'm queen of my castle. And this is a private association, not a through-road to McDonald's. So think twice about coming up in here to case the place. You're lucky I don't take your picture with my cell phone, just to make you nervous. And you're really lucky that my neighbor, Buddy, no longer chases down strange cars at gunpoint, demanding to know who they are and why they're here where they don't belong.
Sometimes, I just can't hold in the Hillbilly.