Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Sometimes, The Livin' Is Easy

Sometimes, when I get nervous, I stick my hands under my armpits, and then I smell them...Whoops! No I don't! That was Mary Katherine Gallagher on SNL.

What I meant to say, was...Sometimes, when people tailgate my T-Hoe, I drive the speed limit just to punish them.

Sometimes, when the girl at the drive-thru bank condescendingly chirps, "Have a nice day!" I drive off without wishing her the same.

Sometimes, if a person is walking in the exit door of The Devil's Playground, I continue with my cart, right at the middle of the door. Because it IS for exiting, you know.

Sometimes, if a student is being particularly trying of my good nature, I think in an invisible thought bubble, "Fifty minutes. How hard can that be? It's not like I have to raise him for 18 years."

Sometimes, when I see an unknown car backing out of my curved, one-eighth-mile-long driveway as I'm pulling in, I stay right in the gravel tracks and make that little car go off in the yard-field. Because it's MY driveway, you see. I'm queen of my castle. And this is a private association, not a through-road to McDonald's. So think twice about coming up in here to case the place. You're lucky I don't take your picture with my cell phone, just to make you nervous. And you're really lucky that my neighbor, Buddy, no longer chases down strange cars at gunpoint, demanding to know who they are and why they're here where they don't belong.

Sometimes, I just can't hold in the Hillbilly.


Sioux said...

The Devil's Playground...I assume I know what you're referring to.

Not return with, "Have a nice day to you, too." Wow. That is scathing...

Kathy's Klothesline said...

Private drive ...... means PRIVATE!!! It is a pet peeve here at the kampground. I rolled and pushed and pulled a rather large tree stump to the middle of our private drive and posted a sign that says "Private Drive" on a landscape timber that I jammed into the hole in the stump. I then packed dirt around the hole and planted some ground cover that grows like crazy here and added a few wave petunias (never ignore an opportunity to plant). I did this because the day-glo yellow chain I had placed across the entrance to the road was plowed down by an intruder. This spring I will have to find another way to mark my drive, since some unknown intruder drove it out of their way and drove through. Not to mention the ones who simply drive into the grass and go around it..... I have something in mind that involves electricity and razor wire, but have been told that it would not be very welcoming and would no doubt raise my liability insurance rates.

Hillbilly Mom said...

I'm a rebel like that.

You need a giant pit, with a net full of leaves over the top. Then offer a giant rope ladder to climb out, at the cost of several thousand dollars. Problem solved.