Saturday, February 11, 2012

Local Woman Victim Of Recent Crime Spree


Be on the lookout for a female, black, hairy perpetrator. Suspect is approximately 18 inches tall. Was last observed darting from the scene on four feet. Currently thought to be romping about the Greater Hillmomba area with no remorse. Wanted for attack on resident at 1313 Gravel Road Way.

Victim reports that as she walked from the garage to the kitchen door, the perpetrator ran up behind her and stabbed her with a shank. The weapon has been recovered. Its origin is unclear. Weapon is L-shaped, 6 inches by 9 inches, connected with a hinge joint. Appears to be made of bone.

Victim refused medical treatment for contusion to left gastrocnemius. Thinks her scream scared the perpetrator, who dropped the weapon and fled west.

Suspect matches description of one of the egg-sucking gang that has been raiding free-range chicken nests on the outskirts of Hillmomba. Suspect is thought to be unarmed. May be hard to capture. Has eluded authorities previously.


Sioux said...

Black or hispanic? Hairy as in lots of hair on her head, or mustache-hairy? 18 inches? Are you sure? Sometimes those little people look shorter than they really are...

Sioux said...

I've also been puzzling over your reports of them darting off on four feet. Perhaps she had long pendulous breasts, that appeared to you like they were two extra legs? Or maybe she had two Jonas Brother cinch-sacks full, each one full of a heavy load and slung over a shoulder, and they fooled you into thinking it was a four-legged creature because she was hunched over with the weight?

Kathy's Klothesline said...


Hillbilly Mom said...

Hairy as in hairy all over. Like those kids they show on TV every now and then, who look like a wolfman. She's about as tall as my kneecap. So...shorter than a Roloff, taller than a Borrower.
On a side note, I really miss the Roloffs. I have an almost complete set of their TLC seasons on DVD. And I've seen the updates on Jeremy and Zach. It's so hard to let go of my reality TV families.

Dang! Now I'm going to have nightmares. It was just four regular feet. Footprints can't be faked, you know. Just as Bigfoot. Or MO MO as we call him around here.

Encyclopedia Brown, you've solved the clues. Don't be surprised if Mystery, Inc. tries to recruit you.

In other news, Sioux is still waiting by the phone for that Mystery, Inc. call. You might wanna get comfortable, hon.

labbie1 said...

Puppies! LOL

Hillbilly Mom said...

Never a dull moment. I'm sure Juno had no intention of severing my artery, and only wanted me to grab at her skeletal remains while she pranced sideways, playing hard-to-get.