The Most Annoying Man In Hillmomba

Farmer H took a four-day multi-state trip to visit Genius this weekend. Left at 4:30 a.m. Friday, and returned around 8:30 Monday night. By 8:35 he had already gotten on my nerves. I'm sure you are shocked.

 

Farmer H wheeled his suitcase in the kitchen door as I was sitting at my HIPPIE at the kitchen table. He parked it there and rounded the kitchen counter to head to the bathroom. Then he came back and stood at the end of the counter, over my left shoulder, while we discussed his agenda for Tuesday. 

 

All at once, Farmer H, having just driven 11.5 hours, returning home after a four-day absence, strode to the table, bent over, and picked up a piece of candy corn and a pretzel from the floor by the curlicued pedestal legs.

 

"What in the world? I was going to sweep that up."

 

"Well. I saw food on the floor. I've been seeing it there. So I picked it up."

 

"Did you pick up the dust, too? And the grit tracked in from the porch? I was going to sweep it."

 

"There was food on the floor."

 

Here's the deal. Don't for one minute think Farmer H was being altruistic and helping me fulfill my household duties. No. He was being all passive aggressive, putting me in my place, showing that after all his travels, he was concerned about keeping this Mansion spotless. HIM! The man who can't even see his own poop on the toilet seat!

 

I do not sweep the kitchen floor every day. It's a losing battle. Once a week works for me. So much grit and cedar shavings tracked in that door, several times a day. I'd have to crouch there like a ball boy at Wimbledon, dashing to sweep as soon as the door closed, to keep the floor spotless. And no way was I going to spend my Farmer-H-less four-day weekend doing chores.

 

As for the candy corn and pretzel... it's likely that I dropped them, but also feasible that Farmer H deposited them there himself. They were midway between my side and his side of the table.

 

Farmer H bought two bags of Halloween candy at the auction two weeks ago. The kind with candy corn and little pumpkins. He tore the corner off one bag, and would come to the table after supper, and pour a handful to carry back to the recliner. Then I bought some dry-roasted peanuts to mix with it, and left a Chinese Tupperware soup container of the mix sitting there on the end of the table. I could have dropped a kernel while mixing the two ingredients, or Farmer H could have spilled one when he came to get a handful of the mix, once I'd put his candy corn in with the peanuts.

 

As for the pretzel, it was a little pretzel twist, honey mustard flavor, from a bag on the table right beside the candy corn mix.  The bag has a ziploc top. Farmer H would stop for a handful of pretzels as he came in from his daily travels, then, while holding them, squeeze that ziploc top back together. I also have a few pretzels while sitting at HIPPIE. I put mine in a ramekin. So either of us might have dropped a pretzel.

Anyhoo... Farmer H had seen food on the floor for a few days, but hadn't picked it up THEN. Nope. Not when he was alone. Only in front of Mrs. HM. Five minutes after returning from a four-day multi-state trip.