The Time Has Come

The time has come, Ms HM said, 
To speak of many things
Of Farmer H fails
And missing stair rails
And the bloody carnage they bring

Ever since building the Mansion, Farmer H has been saying he's going to put in a stair rail. The stairs are open-sided. There's a big rectangle out of the living room floor, a wall on one side, balusters on the other two, where one descends to the basement. It's not like a dank dungeon used for hiding intractable children or captured enemies. It's a finished room, with a TV and pool table.

With the sides being open, Farmer H will have to attach a stair rail to some kind of added sturdy support. He's a wizard at that stuff, so it's not the inability to install a rail that's stopping him. I first asked for it shortly after moving in. Genius was 3 years old. The basement didn't have the tile floor down yet, or the half-paneling/half whiteboard wall. But by the time The Pony was toddling, it did. I was worried about The Pony falling down the steps.

In the early years, only Genius went down unaccompanied. I walked The Pony down when he was small. The years passed, as they are wont to do, when you're working from 4:50 a.m. to 5:00 p.m., getting meals, monitoring homework. Before I knew it, the boys were that golden age, where they still listen to you, and aren't embarrassed to be seen with you in public, yet they're capable of taking care of themselves without constant supervision.

One Friday evening, Genius was spending the night with a friend. The Pony had asked for corn dogs for supper. That boy purely loved himself some corn dogs! He was about 8 or 9. He headed down to the basement with his supper on a paper plate, a Sprite in his hand. I think The Pony and I were were planning to watch a movie after Farmer H and I finished eating.

All at once we heard a scream, and THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP. I've never seen Farmer H move so fast in my life. He elbowed me out of the way, and dashed down those stairs like a nimble Nureyev. Looking over the balusters, I saw a sight that made my heart jump into my throat.

The Pony lay on the bottom two wooden steps, a splatter of red spreading out around his head.

SWEET GUMMI MARY!

Farmer H was already at the bottom, lifting The Pony's arms, putting his hands under The Pony's back, asking if he was okay. The Pony moaned a bit. At least he was moving, and conscious!

"My corn dogs!" he whimpered.

"Forget about them! We'll get you some more." said Farmer H. "Are you okay? Where do you hurt?" He was feeling the back of The Pony's head.

"Just my back. Sorry I got ketchup on the steps."

WHEW! I laughed till I cried. In fact, I think I was already crying. So maybe I cried till I laughed. One of our most terrifying accidents. Though it doesn't hold a candle to The Pony's car crash on the way home for Thanksgiving, his freshman year at OU.

We still need a stair rail.

Farmer H says he worries about coming back to the Mansion, and finding me at the bottom of the steps. Yet he still has not installed a rail. Which kind of fits in with my theory that he is trying to kill me...