Kickin' My Butt: A New Adventure In Plagiarism

When we last convened, Mrs. HM was sitting at the kitchen table in tears from her painful right-side head. As soon as she was able to function, she planned to take herself the the Convenient Care catty-corner from Dairy Queen. Across a side street from Hardee's, and across another side street from her pharmacy.

I was the only patient. I was given 3 pages of forms to fill out. Handed over my insurance card and ID. While I was paperworking, a man and high school age boy came in. The desk gal asked if he was sick. The man said, “He says he’s too sick to go to school.” Three or four times, the desk gal asked if the kid was sick. And still, the man said stuff like. “He says he’s too sick with a headache or vomiting to go to school.” It was kind of apparent that the man didn’t believe the boy. It was already 2:30 in the afternoon, so I don’t know why they didn’t come in the morning if the kid didn’t go to school. Anyhoo… THEY GOT TAKEN IN AHEAD OF ME! Maybe that had a mile-long trail of paperwork from previous TOO-SICK visits.

Once I got called back, all signs posted on the walls said to LEAVE ON YOUR MASK. I thought, “Here we go again.” Déjà vu from my own office, where they didn’t even take my temperature! The sleepy pregnant nurse who took my blood pressure said it was 150 over 90. “Huh. Last Tuesday, it was 135/76 at my own doctor.” So she said, “Are you in pain?” Um. YES! That’s why I was there! Anyhoo, then the nurse practitioner came in.

She asked about my symptoms. Then said my right eye looked swollen. “Take off your mask. OH! The whole side of your face is swollen.” I told her my neck balls (using the proper term) were also swollen for the past three days. She squeezed my neck balls! YOUCH! She told me to open wide and give a big AHH. Then she looked in my right ear, and said, “I see an angry red eardrum!” She moved to the left ear, and said it was also infected.

After a discussion of my allergies to the penicillins and the cephalosporins, she prescribed 10 days of Doxycycline, 100 MG twice a day. I went to my pharmacy to pick it up, and a former student of Newmentia, the current pharmacist, was walking by the drive-thru window, and said he’d just gotten it ready, and sent a lackey to the window to wait on me. Heh, heh. When I read the information sheet, it said Doxycycline is used for infections like ACNE, and other bacterial issues. So that pharmacist probably told all of Newmentia-Town that I have pimples!

I looked up Doxycycline with my estranged BFF Google, and saw that the most common dosage is 100 MG twice the first day, and then once a day for 10 days. UNLESS it is a serious infection that COULD LEAD TO DEATH! Surely I was on a misinformation site!!! Anyhoo… I just took my 3^rd pill. I’m still kickin’. If I don’t feel better by Friday, I need to return to Convenient Care. So far, my ear might feel a little less stuffy. But my molars still feel too big for my mouth.

There's a catchy little tune I've grown fond of this summer, which lends itself to today's subject. I know ONE OF YOU will be disappointed that I'm not styling my story after a Steve Miller song, but suck it up, Buttercup. I think I've been more than generous in accommodating your tastes to date...

Anyhoo... this song is called "Fillin' My Cup," by Hailey Witters and Little Big Town. Have a listen to the first few lines, and you'll get what I'm gettin' at.

I will call my version "Kickin' My Butt."

It ain't the toothache, it ain't the sinus

It ain't the new plague they call THE VIRUS

It's an angry red eardrum fuelin' this junk

Kickin' my butt!