Sunday, December 13, 2020

TIMBER! I'm Falling In Tub

Gotta give props to Patty Loveless. She did it first, this little song. Not about a tub, though. That's where we differ. Her song was about love. Not a big green triangle tub in her master bathroom. There's no actual video on that song. It was her first #1 hit. I found that out when I looked it up. And also that Patty is cousins to Loretta Lynn and Crystal Gayle! Her dad was brother to Loretta's mom. Small world, old country music.
Anyhoo... we're not here today for a discography of country music. We're here to talk about another misfortune of Mrs. Hillbilly Mom. Because it's ALL ABOUT HM, you know! 
Saturday morning, and by morning, I mean 1:00 pm, I was walking from the shower, freshly clean, across the master bathroom rug to the sink. It's a distance of about 10 feet. It's a big bathroom. As always, I walked slowly. My knees stiffen up while standing in the shower. I take my time to get moving again.


My left knee collapsed! That's currently the good knee. It turned to spaghetti! My knee was like a tree that had been chopped with a hatchet until it was unstable enough to topple in that direction. I flailed! I windmilled! I must have looked like a much thicker version of one of those air tubey guys used to attract attention at used-car lots, swaying and bending and swaying some more, like I was having a seizure of sorts!

Lucky for me, the big green triangle tub was on my left, about mid-thigh high. I grasped at the edge to stop my fall. My hand hit a plastic box of baby wipes and a giant plastic powder container. The wipes shot into the empty tub, the powder flew across the tile. I said I was flailing! My right hand darted out like a frog's tongue, and grasped the corner of the sink vanity. Whew! Catastrophe averted.

My adrenaline was pumping for a good 15 minutes after that little episode. My knee didn't hurt at all. It was just a temporary malfunction. Like a trick knee, I guess. Now I know what old people were talking about. 
What a relief that I didn't go down to the cold, cold tile. Or even worse, topple into the tub, ample-rumpus-over-teakettle! Where my cries for help to The Pony (Farmer H was at his Storage Unit Store) would have gone unanswered. Not only because he doesn't really care about helping people, but because he was at the other end of the Mansion, door closed, headphones in, listening to music while playing computer games.

I was extra careful the rest of the day, measuring out my steps with grabbable objects in mind if my knee tried to play magician again.

Getting old it terrible. But better than NOT getting old...


Sioux Roslawski said...

Also, were you dressed when this happened? Or naked? That would have added a whole other layer if The Pony had to rescue you...

River said...

OMG! OMG! Pleeeease be careful. and give your knee a stern talking-to! Knees aren't supposed to do things like that. I know they do, but they aren't supposed to. I'm glad you are okay. Think about taking a walking stick into the bathroom from now on, just in case.

Hillbilly Mom said...

NO! I was bare-ample-rumpused! Heh, heh! As if The Pony isn't ALREADY scarred for life! I DID have my dark blue sweatpants with the gray and white stripes down the side draped over the edge of the tub. I could have reached them to cover the important parts, until The Pony threw me a towel or actual clothing.

My favorite gambling aunt, who's had knee replacement surgery, said her knee used to "go out" like that all the time, pre-surgery.

I actually have my grandma's old wooden cane hanging on the headpost of the bed, from many years ago when I had a piece of loose cartilage locking up that knee for a couple weeks. Thing is, for some reason back then, Farmer H took the RUBBER STOPPER off the bottom, and when I stepped onto the glazed ceramic tiles of the master bathroom, I almost did a flip! I'm pretty sure Farmer H has been trying to kill me for quite a while...

Today I walked extra-slow, like a snail going in reverse, and held onto the towel rack until close to the sink. I kept a hand on T-Hoe as long as I could in town. Grabbed a cart to push in the store. That trick knee isn't going to trick ME! It felt fine, but then, it felt fine right before the trick, too!